Anxious-Preoccupied Attachment
Welcome back to our series on attachment! By now you should know the basics of attachment theory and what secure attachment means. Now it’s time for us to explore the various ways that one can be insecurely attached. Because, as I have stated in previous posts, we are human and we are not always behaving in ways that support one another (or ourselves if we’re being truthful), insecure attachments are a fact of life. The first style of insecure attachment that we’re going to explore is the anxious-preoccupied style.
Nestled just below secure attachment, the anxious-preoccupied style is the second most-prevalent in society (about 20% of people). The most simplified way to describe those that are anxiously-preoccupied attached is that they have a negative view of their self and a positive view of others.
How does one develop an anxious-preoccupied attachment? In childhood, oftentimes their primary caregiver was inconsistent in their ability to meet their needs and may have gone back and forth between offering support, security, and being able to nurture them and, on the other end, intrusive, insensitive, or, potentially, emotionally unavailable to the needs of their child. Because a child’s natural inclination is to find safety and security, the anxiously-preoccupied child seeks that security by clinging to their caregiver.
So what does this mean as an adult? Adults with an anxious-preoccupied attachment style tend to be described as, well, clingy or needy. They can be deeply self-critical and mistrusting of their own decisions, however, when they seek reassurance it does not alleviate their distress. In relationships, this can manifest as a deep rooted fear that they are going to be rejected or left by their partner. This fear can be a powerful motivator and lead this person to seek out the places where they feel rejection is coming from. As the old adage says, if you’re looking for something to be wrong, you will find it. This leads the partner with anxious-preoccupied attachment to be “emotionally desperate” in their relationships and behave in ways that actually create a self-fulfilling prophecy and push people away from them.
If you’re reading this and thinking “HOLY CRAP THAT’S ME!” you’re in good company. And the good news is that you don’t have to remain insecurely attached. There is a path to secure attachment. In the same way that your original attachment style was developed and determined by experiences with those that were supposed to care for you, your new experiences can create new connections to how caregivers (and partners) respond to you. With a connection to a securely attached partner and spending time in individual and/or couples therapy with a therapist that comes from an attachment perspective, you can work to change the way that you view the world and have experiences that support the idea that you can find safety and security even without putting forth desperation.
Be on the lookout for a post about interactional cycles to get more information about how this can happen!
In the meantime, if you’re in the New York City area and think that you could benefit from working with a therapist around becoming securely attached, let’s talk about it! Click on the get in touch button below and see if we’ll be a good fit for one another.
