Asking Your Loved Ones For What You Need

Today’s topic is one that plagues almost every couple and individual I’ve ever worked with.

Asking for what you need.

For a society that has become so focused on the individual and individual needs, we as people are really not great at asking for what we need, especially from our partners. We’ve bought into a fairytale notion that our partners should just “know” what we need and what we want from them at any given time.

It’s interesting because so often we hear in conversation or in movies the phrase “I’m not a mind-reader!” and by and large people resonate with that and it makes sense. Of course you’re not a mind-reader! You don’t have superpowers! But when we think about it when we’re in it. In the context of our own relationship. Especially in the context of our long-term relationship. We’re not quite so forgiving.

We hold our partner to the expectation of knowing what we need because they know us.

And the reality is that we’re really not that great at knowing what our partner needs in a given moment. We’re pretty good at knowing that something might be up with our partner or that something seems off, but oftentimes the rest of it, exactly what’s wrong and what they need (if anything) from us, gets lost and partners often end up fumbling to do the right thing and may inadvertently make things worse.

So much can be saved if we all learn how to ask for what we need.

To get started in asking for what you need, it is first important to identify and label your feelings. This might sound like: “I’m feeling a little frustrated with the way that work went today”.  “I’m feeling a little overwhelmed with everything that has to get done today”. If you can’t fully identify your feelings, a place to start may just be alerting your loved one that you’re having a feeling: “I’m feeling a little funky, but I don’t know why”

The next place to put your attention is to identify if there are any behaviors that may help you have space to feel your feelings or sooth your feelings. This might sound like: “would you mind giving me a hug?” or, “Would you mind helping me get dinner started?”. Sometimes there isn’t a specific behavior that will be helpful in that moment, and you may just need time a space, asking for what you need in that moment might sound like: “I need to take a few minutes by myself to feel my feelings”

Your partner may or may not be able to give you what you’re asking for. Many times, our partners are happy to turn toward our bid and agree, and there are still times that they may not be able to or  may be unwilling. This does not mean that asking for what you need is worthless. By identifying your feelings and risking asking for what may help, you’re making it more likely that you will get what you need.

The biggest thing to remember here is that your feelings are YOURS. Your partner didn’t cause them. They did not create them. They did not MAKE you feel anything. So when you’re identifying and labeling your feelings, take responsibility for them. Use “I” statements. (Not to be confused with an “I” followed by a “you” statement like “I’m feeling frustrated because you never help me”. That is not taking responsibility for your own feelings and that is not using an I statement.)

Most of us are not waking up in the morning and wondering how we can not support our partner and make them feel like garbage. Thus, when your partner knows what you want from them or is at least clued into what’s going on and can sit with you when you don’t know what you need, they’re more often than not willing to do what they can to assist you. Give them the opportunity to make an informed choice.