Benefit of The Doubt
Have you been feeling kind of “blah” about various relationships in your life? Like maybe your partner is going out of their way to annoy you? Or that when they mess something up, it’s a personal slight? If you answered yes, there’s a good chance that your relationship has been thrown into negative sentiment override.
Negative sentiment override is a phenomenon named by The Gottmans that describes a total lack of benefit of the doubt given in a relationship. Negative intent is ascribed of most if not all actions and you feel really disconnected from your partner. No one feels great when a relationship has shifted into negative sentiment override. For many partners, it feels like they cannot do anything right or that their behavior is being scrutinized under a microscope.
On the other side of this spectrum is positive sentiment override. Whereas negative sentiment override ascribes negative intent, positive sentiment override ascribes positive or neutral intent to actions. Partner’s are able to give benefit of the doubt when something goes wrong. Most behaviors are not taken as personal slights.
Let’s look at these with context. Here is a common situation (at least here in New York). Your partner’s work day has ended and they have a commute home on the train. They totally miss their train and are late getting home.
Analyzed through the lens of negative sentiment override, a response to this situation could be, well, of course they’re late. They don’t care how hard I’ve been working, they WANT to avoid coming home. They don’t love me. They were late leaving the office on purpose so that they wouldn’t have to spend time with me/the kids tonight.
Analyzing this exact same situation through the lens of positive sentiment override, a response to this situation could be: oh no, they’re late! They must have gotten caught up with a colleague or an emergency when they were trying to get out of the office. That’s a bummer but they’ll be home soon. I’ll bet they’re annoyed at this too.
VERY different felt experiences which definitely lead to different interactions when they actually see on another at the other end of this commute.
So, how would one shift from negative sentiment override into a much more connected positive sentiment override? To answer that, we go back to a previously discussed concept: The Emotional Bank Account. If your relationship is in negative sentiment override, there’s a good chance that your emotional bank account has been functioning in the red for a long time with way too many demands or emotional withdrawals. As a reminder, a withdrawal can be anything that strains your relationship. It can be as big as a giant conflict that gets really heated or as small as asking a favor of your partner that they don’t particularly want to do. Withdrawals are a normal part of a relationship, and you want to offset them with deposits. As a refresh on deposits, emotional deposits are any kind thing or positive interaction in your relationship. This can be as basic as a hug or kind hand on their back or as involved as an elaborate date night or vacation.
To put your relationship back into positive sentiment override, you want to reach the magic ratio of 5:1. Meaning that for every one withdrawal, you have five deposits. If your relationship has been sitting in negative sentiment override or you’re in a particularly challenging season, you want to sit in a 20:1 ratio to really pull back into the black.
If this is a challenge in your relationship, click the button below and let’s have a conversation.