Loose Boundaries

Boundaries tend to come in three varieties:

1.       Healthy

2.       Rigid

3.       Diffuse

The flip-side of the rigid boundaries we discussed last time are the diffuse boundaries we’re going to talk about today.

Diffuse boundaries are super interesting. I find that those who tend to keep more diffuse boundaries may not exactly know where their boundaries are, but they definitely know when they’ve been crossed and if feels really uncomfortable.

What does it look like to have diffuse boundaries?

·        Never questioning others’ authority

·        Being afraid to contribute ideas for fear of losing connection

·        Generally says “yes” and has difficulty saying “no” even when they’re uncomfortable with the request or feel resentful after agreeing.

·        Often expects others to fill all emotional needs

·        Accepting of abuse or disrespect

·        May be overly involved in others problems or allow others to be overly involved in theirs.

·        Overshares personal information or shares information that makes others uncomfortable

·        People take advantage of you.

Why would someone have diffuse boundaries? There are a variety of reasons but some of the big ones include:

·        Feeling like they ultimately don’t have anything to contribute or that they are inferior

·        Fearing losing human connection or certain relationships even if it isn’t good or healthy for them

·        Fearing they are only worthy of connection based on what they can give

·        An undefined or “fuzzy” sense of identity because they feel inferior to others

·        Fearing rejection

That’s a LOT of fear that underlies this kind of behavior. And as we all know, fear can be a powerful motivator. If you’ve been with us for a long time, you may also see some overlap in the underlying reasons one might have loose boundaries and the reasons that one might be a pursuer.

What can you do if you find that you have diffuse or loose boundaries? First and foremost, I applaud you for recognizing that this is a thing that you tend to do in some relationships. Second, I would examine these underlying, and ultimately limiting, beliefs that keep you stuck in this pattern. What are other ways that you deem yourself worthy beyond your capability to say yes to people? What do you feel you bring to the table? If this is hard, I definitely recommend working through some of it with a professional (and if you’re in New York, I’d be happy to be that person for you, click the button below!). Then I recommend finding places to say “no”. See how it feels. Expect some push-back in the beginning, many people are accustomed to you saying “yes” and may be taken aback when you say “no”. Don’t judge how it feels for you based on the reactions of others, they will adjust the more you verbalize and set your own boundaries. You are teaching others how they can actually treat you.

What can you do it someone you love has diffuse boundaries and are getting overly involved with you? Unfortunately, if they’re unaware of their own loose boundaries, the onus is on you to set firmer boundaries for yourself. This may be a relationship where you have to become more rigid in order to counteract the loose boundaries of your loved one and protect your own well-being.

Boundaries are constantly changing and are informed by your own well-being the relationships you have with those around you. More on how to set healthy, flexible, boundaries next week!