Empathy and Validation
Conflict, disagreements, and misunderstandings are par for the course for being a person out in the world who comes in contacts with other humans out in the world. The number one way to prevent those conflicts, disagreements, and misunderstandings from escalating and being explosive is to meet these big feelings with Empathy and Validation.
Empathy and Validation are two of my most explored concepts in the therapy room. Most commonly between couples, but also with individuals and families these concepts are desperately needed and often misunderstood and underutilized. We don’t actively teach people how to empathize with someone nor how to validate them, but less how important they are and yet, these are your communication superheroes.
To begin, let’s operationalize these concepts. According to Merriam-Webster, Empathy has two definitions.
The first is: the action of understanding, being aware of, being sensitive to, and vicariously experiencing the feelings, thoughts, and experience of another of either the past or present without having the feelings, thoughts, and experience fully communicated in an objectively explicit manner.
The second is: the imaginative projection of a subjective state into an object so that the object appears to be infused with it
Both of these are important when experiencing and expressing empathy. Simply stated, empathy is being able to put yourself in someone else’s shoes and see a world where what they are experiencing is the reality. Not just their perspective, reality. Perspective taking is a part of this, but it’s not the end of it.
Validation is what comes next. Validation is putting into words that you see your partner. That what they are feeling is real to them. And that those feelings are okay to have.
It is not your call to determine whether or not a feeling is valid. Every feeling is valid. Every behavior, alternatively is not. Validating a feeling is not writing an emotional blank cheque to your loved one for them to act from that emotion. I often see people hesitate to empathize or validate because they worry they are agreeing or allowing behaviors. These are two completely separate things.
The goals of empathy and validation are help your partner feel seen. Feeling seen, heard, valued, and cared for often times cuts the legs off of a conflict. We escalate arguments often because we DON’T feel understood or we feel we have to convince our loved on that what is upsetting us is worth being upset over. Seeing your partner and communicating that you can see a world where if you were them you could see how they might feel a way removes those needs and serves to bring you closer. They do a great job of demonstrating that you see your partner and you are in this with them.
Not being alone or seen as “crazy” is an incredibly powerful thing.
What ways have you felt people have been able to empathize and validate your feelings effectively? What ways do YOU empathize and validate the feelings of people around you?