Expectations vs Reality
A recent trope in movies, tv shows, memes, and other media involves the side by side panel of expectations versus reality. Oftentimes the expectations are great and easy while the reality is much harsher and the viewer is often left thinking something along the lines of “if they’d only had a conversation so much of this could have been avoided!”.
Managing expectations is an important component of relationships. We see this all the time in professional relationships and parent-child relationships, but we don’t talk about it enough in romantic relationships.
In romantic relationships there’s a lot of pressure put on anticipating one another’s needs and unconditional positivity, and endless flexibility with our partners and while all of that is great and much of it aspirational, it’s hard to get there without setting clear expectations and allowing your partner to respond to those -inviting compromise when they cannot be met. And, to be clear, this operates in multiple directions. This is not just from one partner to the other; it should be bi-(or multi depending on if you have one partner or several) lateral.
Given this, it’s interesting to find that people still don’t put in the work to manage their partner’s expectations. Let’s talk about what gets in the way.
What gets in the way of stating expectations? For many people the biggest concern in setting their own expectations or wants comes in when they worry that their partner can’t or won’t meet them or that they’ll be left. Like we talked about a few weeks ago, there’s an unspoken currency in being “cool” and “going with the flow”. Expectations are the antithesis of that and have earned a bad rap of being “demanding” or “high maintenance”. Demands are scary and can drive people away. Now, what happens with that? Expectations are unspoken and potentially unmet and, well, it’s all fine until it’s not. Then there are the fights and disagreements that you inadvertently find yourselves in.
Alternatively, when a partner does express their expectations, what might get in the way of their partner engaging in a conversation about the ways that they can or cannot meet them? This is also largely based in fear. First, if they cannot meet those expectations- or cannot in the way that their partner is asking, there’s fear around being a disappointment or fearing the fight that could happen. This often comes out as saying “yes, of course” and then ending up in the fight when they ultimately don’t meet the request.
How do we get past this? Risking honesty and follow through. These are the things that will start building trust and start making it feel safer to have these conversations. For the expectations sharer, this looks like being honest about the way you’re thinking and then if your partner is unable to meet them in the way that you hope, allowing for flexibility and not engaging in the fight. For the receiver and manager, this looks like being honest about what you can do and what feels good to do. It’s risking not agreeing outright in lieu of being realistic about what you can accomplish. And then following through on what you say you’re able to do.
If you’re struggling with that push to risk and feel safe following through, click the button below and let’s explore what’s getting in the way for you.