Feeling Stuck
For many people entering into therapy, there’s a feeling of stuck-ness. We call this by a lot of names, but it’s a great reason to employ a professional. You feel one way and you want to feel another. I’m going to walk you through stuck-ness as a concept, how it can be instrumental in creating change, and practical, concrete tools you can use to un-stick yourself.
Beginning at the beginning. What it’s like to feel stuck? Many of us have experienced this at some point or another but for many people entering into therapy, there’s a sense that the patterns they have been engaging in whether it’s their own behavior, their own world view, the ways that they show up relationally, aren’t really serving them in any tangible way anymore, and yet they are self-feeding and they don’t really know how to do anything else. Sometimes this feeling shows up intensely and unignorably. Other times, this feeling shows itself as a vague dissatisfaction. A key ingredient in feeling stuck is the ability to see another outcome (for example, I am on this side of the road and I can SEE the other side of the road), but not knowing how to achieve it (following the example, there is no bridge, no crosswalk, no stoplight), and so remaining where you are.
Feeling stuck, as much as it is uncomfortable, can also be a key precipice to making change. People do not, typically, readily make change for no reason. Brains like predictable. Brains like known. Brains like same-ness in their day-to-day. To change, there is often some degree of discomfort that nudges you to start making a change to make the work that goes into undoing predictability and making new patterns feel worthwhile.
Looking at the cycle of change, feeling stuck is often what shifts us from precontemplation (problem, what problem?) to contemplation (well, actually this might be a problem). If we go back to look at that cycle (found here), contemplation is an essential ingredient. We don’t jump from precontemplation to preparation in making significant changes. It’s too big of a leap for out brains. We have to start even considering that something might be a problem. Enter- feeling stuck. Feeling stuck is the gentle nudge to consider a change and to start developing a “why” for making it.
If feeling stuck is what can shift you from precontemplation to contemplation, the exercise I’m going to describe can help give you some direction into preparation. The past few weeks, I have described the circle of control versus the circle of influence. How that works, is that on a piece of paper you’re going to draw a donut. In the hole of the donut is your circle of control. The “cake” of the donut is your circle of influence. When you think about a situation, and for the sake of this let’s go with the situation that has you feeling stuck, put in that circle of control EVERYTHING that you have TOTAL control over. The circle is intentionally small, we don’t have a ton of total control but we do have some. To use a benign example, maybe my living space has me feeling stuck and while I do not have control over every ounce of my living space, I do have total control over folding this basket of laundry and putting the basket away. Once you’ve established the pieces that you have total absolute control over, move into the circle of influence. Are there parts of what have you feeling stuck that you have influence over? Can you make requests or advocate for yourself? Is there something that you could research? Are there other people that you can interview that can help you find answers? To return to the living space example, can you enlist the help of a realtor to help you find a new living space? Can you call and hire someone to make repairs? These are not total control, but you are exerting influence over the situation you are in and hopefully encouraging the needle to move. Once you’ve completed your cirlces of influence and circles of control, you’ve entered into preparation. You now have a direction when you’re ready to take action to start feeling unstuck. It’s normal if it takes a little while for the discomfort of feeling stuck to push you into action. Again, brains LOVE familiar. And when you are, this is going to be your blueprint. Start with what is in your circle of control. Then move into influence. Congratulations, feeling stuck has now launched you into action.
Feeling stuck is uncomfortable, no doubt. For many of us, we just want to not feel that way and we frame feeling stuck as a negative. Feeling stuck, however, is evidence of your growth. Your patterns no longer fit you. You’re ready for a change. And when it is framed that way, as an opportunity, you can befriend this feeling of stuck-ness and work with it to find out what your next move is. If you’re struggling with working through this on your own, click the button below and let’s have a conversation.