When Hard Work Is Not Enough
If you’re of a certain age, you might have heard the words “If you work hard enough, you’ll have the life that you want”. In a vacuum, this makes sense. Formulate a goal and pursue it relentlessly and surely you’ll achieve it. But life doesn’t exist in a vacuum. And for many of us, we’ve been so accustomed to having a goal, pursuing it relentlessly, having success, that when the realities of that lack of vacuum hit and hard work isn’t enough, we’re totally thrown. What do we do then?
What do I mean when I talk about life not existing in a vacuum? The vacuum assumes a one-track-mindedness that is almost impossible to maintain when you’re a part of a family, community, or team. The vacuum ignores any other part of your identity than the one most closely associated with whatever goal you’re attempting to pursue. In real life, your identity is multifaceted. In real life, you’re likely part of some larger grouping that may rely on you in ways that are not related to your goals or there may be financial constraints that don’t allow you to just “work really hard”. In real life your larger community structure may require compromises that split the amount of hard work you’re able to put in. You are not a robot. You’re not a machine. You have limited time and emotional resources in a given day.
All of that lack-of-vacuum means that, it’s not always your choice or your doing when you’re feeling stymied in reaching a goal. This is tough for go-getters who have historically been able to create their own vacuum. The ability to do that diminishes as you start forming your own family. Having close relationships, having children, having hobbies, all require emotional energy of you and while yes, you can absolutely choose friends, partners, and hobbies that support your goal, the EXISTENCE of those other things inherently requires you and, often, parts of you unrelated to your goal. These are also all things that help keep people well. Feeling connected, having interests, having outlets, caring for something, all support mental wellness. The lack-of-vacuum doesn’t have to be bad.
In the US we have a real problem with bootstrap culture. And it’s funny because that concept “pulling yourself up by your bootstraps” is intended to be tongue-in-cheek. One cannot actually do that. But the messaging around this has been pervasive and leads people to feel they must be doing something wrong if they’re not able to get exactly what they’re going after. Three parts of unlearning this are 1. Acknowledging that we are communal, and as such, we need the help and support of our communities. That also requires asking for it, because your family/team/community will not just know what you need and how to give it to you. 2. Recognizing that choosing to have things in your life that require your attention, that support your wellbeing is not a bad thing. And if that changes your goal, or slows down your goal in order for you to maintain your wellness in the process, that’s okay. 3. Allowing for the idea that sometimes there are real-world constraints. Sometimes the finances are not where they need to be to allow you to relentlessly pursue a goal. Sometimes your own wellness is a factor in needing attention before you can relentlessly pursue your goal. OR one of the other million reasons that might stymie you. AND THAT’S OKAY. It’s not a personal failing to have other things to attend to.
So what can you do if you’ve been accustomed to just going after what you want and getting it and are suddenly feeling stuck? First, pay attention to how the pursuit of this goal and accomplishing of this goal supports your overall vision of how you want your life to FEEL. Identify your why. Second, bring your support system into the conversation. If you’re in a committed relationship, see if there are ways that you can bring your partner into the conversation to allow your goal to become part of your family’s shared vision and goals. Be honest about where you’re getting stuck and see if together you can figure out a compromise that creates space and/or resources to pursue this goal. Make requests. Needing help is not a personal failing AND when there’s more than one of you to account for, you each have to make your individual goals fit with the larger, overall, family life. It’s part of shifting from an “I” mindset to a “we” mindset.
“If you work hard enough, you’ll have the life you want” is something that has been drilled into us over and over again and erases nuance from our lives. Sometimes the life you want is actually out of reach. Sometimes hard work gets you a good life and also has asked you to make compromises. Sometimes your hard work is actually the hard work of an entire community to move the needle. As individuals, and certainly as a society, we need to acknowledge that hard work is a component of success and allow for winding paths and alternative paths as no less successful.