Happiness Anxiety
In therapy, there’s a somewhat universal intervention, born out of solution focused therapy, that is called “the miracle question”. The miracle question asks “if you were to go to bed tonight and while you were sleeping, a miracle occurred. What would be happening, or what would you be seeing or experiencing that would tell you that the miracle happened and that your life was different?”. I have probably asked the miracle question in session for at least as many times as clients I have ever had.
It’s a great question!
It gives direction, it creates an end-goal, it allows for some fun dreaming, the follow up question usually explores times that you’ve experienced something close to what you describe
And more than half of my clients have either flat out not been able to answer it or have had significant difficulty answering it.
So, my researchers brain starts to wonder, what’s up with that?
What makes happiness—even IMAGINED happiness so difficult? What makes it so hard to access? Why does it seem to cause a certain amount of pain to think about?
One of the answers I have come down to is a certain amount of happiness anxiety.
What is happiness anxiety?
A good working definition of happiness anxiety is the fear that by something good happening or even being put out in the universe to happen invites something bad to happen in order to achieve a sort-of balance.
Typically this develops in people who have had something really terrible almost immediately follow something great. (ex. Getting a promotion at work and coming home to find out your dog died). This extreme experience creates a learned association in the brain that when something good happens, something bad is sure to follow. Not only that, but that something bad WILL DEFINITELY ABSOLUTELY WITHOUT A DOUBT follow.
And it can be debilitating. It can show up as a core belief about the world. It can show up as turning down great professional opportunities. It can show up as turning down dates. It can show up as staying home and not connecting with friends.
All in an effort to protect yourself from the inevitable “bad” that is to follow.
The good news is that this association can also be extinguished and those who experience this phenomenon can start to get their lives back.
It’s often extinguished by a person risking that positive experience and having repeated positive experiences that are not followed by a terrible event or experience. It’s having someone or something to highlight the times in their life that something positive has happened or they have experienced happiness and something negative did not follow. Creating a daily list of the positive things that have happened without a negative to counterbalance it can help you to hold yourself accountable and actively seek out ways to break that connection in your brain and develop new ones.
If you’re in New York and struggling with this and having a hard time breaking the association, feel free to reach out to me and see if we’re a good fit! Together we can help you reclaim your life.