Holidays with In-Laws
For many people, the holidays means time with family. Maybe more time than you’d spend at any other time of the year. For many people this brings up some complicated feelings (maybe some regression back to teenage years). When you’re in a relationship, this can also mean time with your partner’s family. If time with your own family can be fraught, time with your partner’s family can feel like you’ve landed on mars. How can you have a positive holiday experience?
When you’re spending the holidays with your in-laws, it’s actually totally okay if you feel like you’ve landed on Mars. There’s a good chance that the traditions of your in-laws differ some from the traditions your own family keeps. That doesn’t mean that it has to be bad. There are things that you can do with your partner ahead of time and mindset to keep when you’re present that can help things go well.
Before the holidays, have an honest conversation with your partner. Is there anything that comes up for you when you’re spending time with their family? This can range from dietary restrictions and wanting to ensure there’s something available for you to eat or giving tacit permission for partners to take some time on their own if they need it. Other common topics that come up especially for couples that are having an extended holiday stay with one partner’s family is how you navigate time as a couple. Is there any space for you to have time together even in the context of staying with family? Are there topics that you’re uncomfortable broaching? Can your partner help you to deflect those or set a boundary if necessary should those topics come up?
Leading up to the event or trip, get your mind right. Are there traditions that you keep that are important to you? If there’s not space for these where you’re going, make space before you go. Extend the holiday celebrations. Let go of the expectation that someone else’s family is going to celebrate the way that you do. Prepare yourself to experience something new.
When you get there, welcome to Mars! Similarly to how you might behave when you visit another country, visiting another family is entering into culture and customs that may be different from your own. In the same way that you wouldn’t impose your cultural norms on members of another country, don’t impose them on another family. Be game. This is your time to expand your horizons. Learn about other ways that holidays are celebrated. Immerse yourself in this new cultural experience. Be curious (without judgement). Learn about the parts of this holiday that are most important to this part of your family. Spend some time connecting over these experiences.
Simultaneously, honor your own boundaries. If you need a little bit of time to be off, take it. If there are topics that are off-limits, kindly set that. If there are wellness routines that you need, engage in them (getting a quick workout in, making sure you’re still taking medication, engaging in quick meditations, keeping therapy appointments if you have them scheduled and need them).
If this is a particularly rough time for you, click the button below and let’s have a conversation about it.