How Do I Hold Space For Someone?
In recent years, the phrase “hold space” has wormed its way into everyday language. This is not necessarily a bad thing and I find that, oftentimes, people have no idea what that actually means. When making attempts to hold space, they find themselves in the same communication challenges and interactional patterns as usual and both partners feel dissatisfied with the resulting conversation. When you want to do better and be a person who can hold space, this week’s topic is for you. We’re going to walk through concrete steps that you can take to better hold space for your loved ones.
The number one thing both chronologically and emotionally to do in the interaction is to meet your loved one with curiosity. This can be as simple as starting with “Hey, what kind of conversation are you looking for, do you want solutions or do you want me to listen?”. This will inform your next move. “I just want you to listen to me” is additional language asking for someone to hold space. Other ways that you can meet your loved one with curiosity is to ask them more about what they’re telling you. “Would you mind telling me more about that?” “What parts of that were most impactful for you?”. Softness is key here. You’re not interrogating your loved one, you’re looking to both understand and help them to feel understood.
Supporting your effort to understand and help your loved one feel understood while holding space for them, you’re going to want to empathize with their situation. Now, empathy and sympathy often get confused and it’s really important that you acknowledge the difference between the two here. Sympathy sends the message “I feel bad for you”. Most people do not want this when they’re asking for space to be held for them. Pity is rarely helpful and keeps people from seeking space and seeking to be understood because they don’t want to be seen as a burden or something to be pitied. Empathy, alternatively, is putting yourself into their position and understanding that perspective. “Yes, I can imagine that that situation would be very challenging”. “Wow, that sounds like it could be very frustrating”. “That sounds like it could be very upsetting”. You’re, in many ways, trying to identify and label the existing emotions to better understand their position. You’re not casting a judgement on the rightness or wrongness of the feeling or experience.
Next, validate the emotions that you’ve previously identified and labeled. People are allowed to feel however they feel. Feelings are not wrong, they’re not bad, and they’re not something to be shamed. Validation can sound like “If I were in your position, I don’t know how I would feel and I can see how someone might have the experience you’re having”. “You’re allowed to feel whatever feeling you need to feel in this moment”. “Of course it makes sense to feel that way.” Remember, you’re not cosigning behavior. Feelings and not behaviors. Feelings are feelings and every feeling is valid.
And finally, massive neon blinking sign here: Do not jump to solutions. When someone wants space to be held, they are not looking for solutions. It may come during the conversation that they are ready to move from space being held to wanting concrete solutions or ideas. This goes back to step one, meet them with curiosity. ASK before you offer unsolicited advice. You are not responsible for solving the issue. Many issues have no solve. Your whole job is to help your loved one feel understood, loved, cared for, and emotionally safe. Focus on those and not on your perceived solutions.
If you keep your focus on understanding your loved one and communicating your understanding in a way that they can receive it, you will master holding space. If you find that in an effort to do this, you’re drifting back to solutions, consider that you’re making the situation around your own discomfort. Consider getting your own support to address your discomfort with others negative feelings and learn tools to regulate. I would be happy to help. Click the button below and let’s start the conversation.