My Friendships Don’t Feel Like I Thought They Would
Millennials have been called many things, but most recently we’ve been dubbed both the burnout generation and the loneliest. According to a study conducted by YouGov, an international, online, data and analytics technology group, “Millennials are…more likely than older generations to report that they have no acquaintances (25% of Millennials say this is the case), no friends (22%), no close friends (27%), and no best friends (30%). However, a majority (70%) of Millennials do report that they have at least one best friend. Nearly half (49%) say that they have between one and four “close friends.” So what might be going on here? Why are we (at least perceiving ourselves as) so lonely?
Let’s start at the beginning, why are friendships important and what is their purpose? Humans are communal creatures. We form groups at multiple levels (families, neighborhoods, villages, cities, countries, etc.) and for multiple reasons (classmates, coworkers, volunteer groups, hobby groups, groups with shared cultures, etc.). Going back to the beginning of humanity, the basic purpose of this was survival. If I was part of a group, if I was “accepted”, if I was “doing it right”, I was more likely to live. Our friends are pulled from these various groupings and feeling a sense of belonging among these people is invaluable for our wellbeing.
Millennials have a unique relationship with friendships and the vision of what friendship is supposed to be. We grew up in the golden age of sitcoms and buddy comedies that repeatedly show groups of adults with seemingly endless time and resources and a distinct lack of outside responsibilities (think: Friends, How I Met Your Mother, Girlfriends, etc). These were our models even if they were unrealistic even for their own time. We also came up in a time of rapidly changing technology and when the boundaries around a workday have drastically changed (slack messages, emails, and phone calls after hours. Being constantly on call). This has shifted the amount of real and perceived free time that we have. With just these two things combined, we’re, as a generation, stuck in a space where the model that we were shown does not match the reality we’re living. With the boundless work days, our perceived time to build and nurture friendship is lessened. Additionally, with the rise of social media, we’re connected with parasocial groups that feel like they may fill friendships AND they lack some of the intimacy and real-world connection of face to face local friendships. There’s also the realities that run counter to the models we’re shown. EVEN in the time of these shows and movies, people had responsibilities and pulls on their time and did not have endless time to sit in the bar or a coffee shop with their friends at a moment’s notice. It’s up to us to reconcile the models with the reality and to prioritize the role the friendship plays in our life.
The other thing to think about is how friendship actually looks in adulthood according to research. Repeated studies have shown that the social circle adults have shrinks over time. Now, the circle for millennials is starting smaller and shrinking faster than previous generations, AND the general trajectory of friendships becoming fewer is typical. As stated earlier, it’s up to us to take into account the actuality of adult friendships and the role we want them to play in our life and reconcile it with the vision we were sold. It’s not our fault that we were sold an unreal vision AND it’s our responsibility to prioritize friendships.
So how do we do that? How do we form and prioritize friendships in adulthood? First, acknowledge that friendship actually is important. It’s not superfluous and it’s not replaced by family. It is its own relationship and it deserves space. Second, make the time. Life is a constant balance between the individual, the couple, and the family. Your friendships are part of you honoring your individual wants, needs, desires, interests, and relationships. This also means that plans with your friends aren’t going to just “happen”. You’re not going to spontaneously meet at the same coffee shop every day for hours at a time. Reach out, make plans. If you’re struggling with making friends, look at something more structured. There are groups for every hobby imaginable. Do you like to hike? Join a group that hikes in your area. Do you like to read? Join a book club. Do you like to craft? There are thousands of crafting circles and guilds. It is not guaranteed that your lifelong friends will be there, but it does give you a larger pool of people to know. Then take risks to deepen the relationships with those you see potential in.
Millennials are increasingly lonely and it’s our responsibility to combat that. Loneliness has a huge relationship with and impact on physical and emotional wellbeing and we’re the only ones who can take the risk to form closer relationships. If you’re struggling with how to reconcile the vision you were sold with the reality you’re living and don’t know where to begin. Click the button below and let’s have a conversation.