Needs not Needy

(Overly attached girlfriend meme from the mid aughts)

Somewhere in the past century (or more) of dating and relationships, it became popular to be “cool” and terrible to be “needy”.

But…what does that mean? Is that even possible?

Well, coolness has, generally, come to describe those that are down for anything, are self-sufficient, don’t ask for anything of their partners, are readily available, and fun.

Parts of this definition is really great! Who doesn’t want to be fun and self-sufficient?

Let’s look at “needy”. Needy tends to describe those who make demands of their partners, require a great deal of attention and ask for things (time, attention, recognition, connection).  Yikes right?

But let’s look more realistically.

Many people read these messages as DO NOT NEED. AT ALL COSTS DO NOT NEED.

And that’s not real life. In relationships, we have needs or at least strong wants, and expressing those is not inherently a problem.

Some needs that totally make sense in a romantic relationship are time, attention, connection, trust, and commitment.

Needing these is not bad.

Asking for these is not bad.

Demanding these is not going to get you your desired outcome.

Posing these as an ultimatum will definitely not get you your desired outcome.

So how do we honor our needs and still stay attractive to our partner?

We make requests. We frame things collaboratively. We assume positive intent from our partner.

Let’s look through a few examples, shall we?

Situation: your partner is going out of town for work for a couple of nights. You thrive on frequent communication.

DON’T: *calls partner once, they don’t answer* leaves a voicemail, proceeds to call 20 more times in a row with escalating voicemails.

DO: proactively express to your partner before they leave that you feel better when you’re in regular contact. Decide on a predictable time or times of day that you can connect even if it’s for a few minutes. If life happens and the plan can’t go as decided, be proactive in letting your partner know and offer an alternative.

Situation: Your partner wants to hang out with their friends for the fifth weekend in a row.

DON’T: “You never want to hang out with me! If you don’t stay here with me, I’m leaving you!”

DO: “Hey, I know that your friends are really important to you and I miss hanging out with you one on one. Can we hang out this weekend instead?”

If this is a struggle and you feel like you or your partner is being misconstrued as needy, click the button below and let’s work on expressing needs not being needy.