Six Hours to a Better Relationship

Last week we discussed how to ask for what you need and maybe it came up between you and your partner that what you’re needing is more connection or better connection. That’s not uncommon and lots of couples have periods of time where they’re not feeling as connected, but maybe at the end of that conversation both you and your partner felt at a loss for how to create that, maybe it has been so long that while connection sounds great, neither of you even know where you would start—or if you want to.

Well, relationship researcher and therapist husband and wife team John and Julie Gottman have broken down what you need to do each week and how long you need to do it for you both to start feeling more connected. And I’m here to tell you all about it.

Every week has 168 total hours to get everything done. You only need 6 to dedicate to your relationship to feel better. “WHAT? ONLY 6 YOU SAY?” or maybe “EEK WHERE AM I GOING TO FIND SIX HOURS???” It’s really not hard when we look at the breakdown. I’m going to walk you through step by step from the things that take the most time to the things that take the least amount of time each week.

1.       Date Night (2 hours x 1 per week) —Let’s start with the fun! Somewhere in your week carve out two hours to be together and do something fun. Use this time to ask open-ended questions and focus on connecting.You can do a standard dinner and a movie or something more adventurous—the choice is yours! If you feel like your date ideas are a little stale, we’ll be getting into that next week so stay tuned 😊

2.       State of the Union (1 hour x 1 per week)- Once a week, take the time to have a check-in. What did each of you do this week that really made your partner feel loved? Where did you miss a bid for connection? This is an opportunity for each partner to express concerns and feel heard. This should be a space where you can both focus on your conflict management skills in a calm, relaxed, space. Also, so this does not turn into a space for each of you to berate one another and bring in your list of complaints, this is also a space to acknowledge one another for efforts they have made and places where you guys are really killing it as a couple.

3.       Reunions (20mins x 5 working days)- after being apart during the day, reunions are an opportunity to share a hug and kiss and talk about the stresses of the day.

4.       Affection (5mins x 7 days)- spend a few minutes before bed cuddling or embracing. You can also fit in a 20 second hug and a six second kiss somewhere in the day (just long enough to release all of the feel-good hormones and neurotransmitters!).  

5.       Appreciation and admiration (5mins x 7 days)- take a few moments each day to notice the things that you appreciate and admire about each other. 

6.       Partings (2 mins x 5 working days)- take a moment before parting for the day to discuss your agendas and feelings about the day ahead. If you're not awake when the other leaves for the day, you may want to reconsider that or look at other ways that you can create something for the other to wake up to that fits the same need (leaving each other notes, texts, fresh coffee started in the pot etc). 

And that’s it! Six hours to improve your connection. The more you do it and ingrain these as rituals of connection, the better it will feel. These seemingly “small” things really have the power to transform the way that you connect with your partner.