Trust, Commitment, and Your Relationship

Rounding out our series on the sound relationship house we have our two walls, the twin pillars of trust and commitment.

Trust and commitment have to underpin every level of the sound relationship house. Without the walls, the floors that we have already explored cannot stand.

Let’s dig in shall we? Zach Brittle, LMHC conceptualizes the key difference between trust and commitment as trust being something that you feel while commitment is something that you do.

Let’s go to trust first. According to Dr. John Gottman, trust is something that is built slowly over time through the process of attunement. Attunement refers to the ability to work together as a team and in doing so be able to navigate your own feelings and have an idea as to how your partner is feeling and what that intersection is. A particularly helpful acronym to learn how to do this follows:

Awareness
Turning toward
Tolerance
Understanding
Non-defensive responding
Empathy

If you can meet your partner using these skills, you can build a strong foundation of trust over time. You may be thinking at this point that this all sounds great but how do you DO that?

You practice this process through a series of intimate conversations over time. DON’T ROLL YOUR EYES! Talking is important! This is how you learn about one another and navigate life’s inevitable challenges and betrayals. During these conversations, ask your partner open ended questions. Be open to their perspective. Try to learn about the way they think. Then, continue following up on these topics over time. In the same way that you continue learning and developing, you also continue refining your thinking in your relationships. Follow up shows that you care and allows for the deepening of that conversation and space for growth.

Commitment is the other wall of the sound relationship house. Commitment goes hand in hand with trust. One helps to develop the other.

Many wedding officiants will mention in their ceremonies that part of marriage is choosing your partner every day. That’s only a part of commitment. While commitment IS choice, it’s not only the choice of your partner- it’s also the choice of your relationship. Every day and in every instance, you choose your relationship.

How do you do this? Well, this is the doing of trust. You’re taking your partner with you and keeping your relationship top of mind in every situation. You’re acting from that space of your relationship being chosen. This supersedes acting in ways that would undermine your relationship.

Commitment is not determined by marriage, contract, or obligation. Commitment is determined by mindset. You can be married 50 years and not have trust and commitment, while you can be together a few months and make the choice associated with commitment while building trust.

If you’re struggling with the feeling of trust or the doing of commitment, give me a call and I’d be happy to help you become reattuned to one another.