What If We Don’t Want Kids?

When I sat down to write this blog post, I hesitated. Part of me is sad that we have to talk about this, and what I’m finding more and more is that we need to talk about it.

What if you decide as a couple that you don’t want children?

If we were living in my dream world, couples who decided that they didn’t want children would not be hassled or pressured to make a different decision. Couples not wanting children should be just as normalized as couples wanting children. We do not live in my dream world.

In the real world, many couples who choose to remain childless get pressure from a variety of sources including, friends, family, and medical providers.

(Briefly, I was once at a medical appointment years ago and was talking with my provider about a form of cancer that is in my family and was dismissed with “just have a baby and you won’t be at risk”. If I were someone who wanted to remain childless, having a child just to lower my own cancer risk, is not a good enough reason.)

So how do you handle it if you guys, together, do not want children?

You learn how to set strong, specific, boundaries.

Here are a few statements and questions childless couples often hear and ways that you can respond with boundaries.

1.       “When are you guys going to start a family?”

a.       Possible response: Hey, I know you are probably just interested in our lives and mean well. When you say “start a family” it makes me feel like you don’t view us as a family already. We’ve decided that our family of two is all the family that we want.

2.       “When are you going to make me a grandma [grandpa, aunt, uncle, cousin, etc]?”

a.       Possible response: Wow, it’s flattering to know that you think I’d make a kid that you want in your life. When you say this, sometimes I feel like you’re disappointed in me/us because we’re not living up to your dream. We’ve decided that we do not want children and we’re not changing our minds. I know if isn’t the life you thought we’d be having and I hope you can still support us in this.

3.       “Just have a baby and you’ll be fine”

a.       Possible response: That’s good information to have. However, my partner and I have decided that we are going to remain childless. Is there anything else I can be paying attention to or changing in order to lessen my risk?

4.       “You don’t know what love is until you have children.”

a.       Possible response: I’m so glad you’ve enjoyed parenthood! I know your kids must feel so loved and cared for. We have decided that we don’t want to have kids and when you say these things sometimes it feels like you’re devaluing my life and experience.

5.       “People who don’t have kids are so selfish”

a.       Possible response: I’m sorry that has been your experience. My partner and I have chosen to not have kids. I feel like our knowing that we do not want to be parents is a good enough reason to not bring a child into our family regardless of what society expects us to do. I hope you’ll respect that choice just as many respect your choice to have children.

6.       “You couldn’t possibly be fulfilled if you haven’t experienced parenthood”

a.       Possible response: I love that you’ve found such joy and fulfillment in being a parent! Please know that when you generalize things like this, it hurts me. My partner and I have decided that we do not want to be parents. We have found many things and relationships in our lives that make us feel fulfilled. Please keep that in mind when you say these kinds of things.

These are just a sampling of the statements that childless couples experience, you’ll find that the general framework of these responses are as follows:

1.       Assume and acknowledge positive intent.

2.       Express how it made you feel.

3.       Set your boundary.

As we spoke about in the series on boundaries, this is a conversation you’ll likely have to have multiple times and a boundary you will have to repeatedly set. Most of the responses I provided here assume you have not had this conversation yet. When you are in the 2nd, 3rd, 4th….100th iteration of this conversation, you may need to anchor back into the previous times you’ve spoken about this and you may have to set a tighter boundary (ex. “If you continue bringing this up to me, we will not be able to continue this conversation”, “My partner and I having children is not up for discussion, it is a decision that we have to make for ourselves independent of what others want and want for us.”)

If you’ve been feeling the pressure and you’ve run out of ways to cope, give me a call. Setting boundaries is one of my very favorite things and I would be happy to help you get to a place where it feels right for you.