Acts of Service

Coming up next in our series on the five love languages: Acts of Service.

Acts of service refer to “doing things that you know your spouse would like you to do” (Chapman 1992). These often times look like household chores or errands that need to be done. For those whom acts of service is their primary love language, their partner seeing what might lighten the load for them and doing it without question makes them feel so seen and so loved.

This does not mean that in order to speak their love language you must “live to serve”. Rather, you can pick up a few acts throughout the day or the week and those will fill your partner’s love tank. This is because it’s not necessarily about the number of tasks that you complete or acts your provide, but that you do something that requires “thought, planning, time, effort, and energy…done with a positive spirit” that says “”I was thinking of you. You were with me even when you were gone” (Chapman 1992).

If your love language is acts of service, you might be wondering how can I ask for this? What words would I use so that my partner doesn’t feel like I think I am the queen of sheba and their only use is to serve me?

Remember that love is freely given. So if there is something that makes you feel loved, you can request it, but you must not demand or coerce it. If you find yourself using the phrases “If you loved me you would…” or “You need to _____ or you’ll be sorry”, then that’s a good signal that you’re demanding or coercing. That is not love.

Your best bet is to acknowledge the things that your partner is already doing. Tell them when they do something that speaks your language that it is speaking your language. For example “thank you so much for taking out the garbage. When you do that for me, it makes me feel really special”.

Or if that feels too cheesy, have an honest conversation around what your love languages are! It’s okay to be frank and tell your partner what kinds of things make your feel more loved than other things.

If you and your partner are having a hard time speaking the same language and you’re located in New York State, click the button below and let’s work together!