Words of Affirmation

To kick off our series on the five love languages, let’s start with words of affirmation. For those whom this is their primary love language, words carry a tremendous amount of weight. They need to hear that you love them, that you appreciate them, and that they look nice.

If your love language is not words of affirmation, this might feel weird to you! You may think that you expressed your love, appreciation, and admiration in a million different ways so why do you need to say it? Because your partner needs to verbally hear those words to feel their love bucket fill up and “the object of love is not getting something you want, but doing something for the well-being of the one you love” (Chapman 1992). It not only makes them feel good, but also helps to push the relationship into positive sentiment override on their end. This allows for them to see their partner in a positive light and give them more benefit of the doubt. As an added bonus, according to Dr. Gary Chapman, “when we receive affirming words we are far more likely to be motivated to reciprocate and do something our spouse desires” (Chapman 1992).

For my non-words of affirmation people, you may be wondering at this point what an affirming word actually is. Because surely it can’t be as simple as saying “Hey honey, you look really nice today.”. And you would be right. While a compliment like the one above certainly falls into the words of affirmation category, there are several sub-types that you can utilize to help express your love of your partner to your partner.

1.       Words of encouragement- not pressure, not demands, but when you know that your partner is good at something, or shy about a talent, or interested in taking something on, you’re expressing to them that you believe in their ability, drive, and determination to do it. This is particularly effective because it not only requires you as a partner to find these words, but also “empathy and seeing the world from your partner’s perspective” (Chapman 1992) and empathy is an incredibly powerful skill.

2.       Kind words- as almost any person in the world will tell you, your tone matters. When you’re providing these lovely affirmations, use a kind tone. This will help ensure your message is received tenderly and with the care that you’re intending it.

3.       Humility- This is a little bit different, rather than this being an expression of appreciation, it’s in the way that you make requests of your partner, and, frankly, the idea that you make requests rather than demands of your partner. Using a kind tone and being gentle helps to infuse the requests that you make of your words of affirmation speaking partner with love.

4.       Indirect words of affirmation- If you feel awkward in the beginning by telling your spouse directly how you appreciate, admire, and empathize with your partner, it may be valuable to provide an indirect word of affirmation. Or, saying something kind that acknowledges these things about your spouse to someone else when your partner is not around. It’s rare that these messages do not eventually make their way back to your spouse and still have a tremendous amount of meaning.

If you and your partner are struggling with feeling loved by one another or expressing your love to one another and you’re located in New York, feel free to click the button below and let’s see if we can work together to get you guys speaking the same language!