Blending Families

              Last week we talked about finding love after divorce, this week let’s get into what comes next! Congratulations! You’ve found yourself in love. You want to get married again. How wonderful! If either of you have kids that are impacted by blending your families, let’s get into how we can make that a smoother experience.

              It’s not a given that blending families will be a rocky experience. Many times, kids are adaptable and will come through the transition. There are a few things that you can put in place though that helps to ensure that the transition will be smoother.

              First, don’t rush this. Relationships take time to be built. Many times things go left when parents expect their children to love their partner just because they do. This isn’t always the case. You can create expectations in your home that everyone treat one another politely and with respect but that does not necessarily translate into intrinsic love, care, and connection.

              Second, make sure that you are clear on your roles when it comes to parenting your partner’s kids. Often it is helpful in the beginning to defer to your partner regarding doling out accountability or consequences. You decide together as a partnership what the expectations are for all of the children (and it’s best if they rules are consistent among all of the children) however, because as a step parent you’re not “replacing” that child’s other parent, tread lightly in the beginning.

              Third, connect with your partner’s kids over things that they like. Ask them about themselves. Explore their interests. This does not have to look like grand gestures (and, in fact, is better if it doesn’t. Kids are smart and know when you’re trying to buy them). This can look like asking questions about what they’re doing or having fun with. Open the door for connection, and keep that door open, while also understanding that they might not walk through it immediately.

              Fourth, welcome complicated feelings. Depending on the way that their parents’ relationship and separation went down, kids may feel some confusing feelings around loyalty and feeling like by connecting with you that they’re being disloyal to their other parent. Empathize with them.

              Fifth, encourage a continued relationship with their other parent. While many times exes create an interesting and sometimes tense dynamic with new partners, that person is still your step kids parents and research continues to show over and over again that kids have better outcomes when they have a relationship with both of their parents.

              Sixth and finally, work on building a relationship with their other parent yourself. Work to understand what their expectations are for their kids when you’re working on setting the rules in your home. Your relationship with their parent will help make it okay for the kids to have a relationship with both of you.

              If you’re struggling with blending your families and want to process through how this can be eased, click the button below.