Finding Love After Divorce
It’s no secret that a large number of marriages in the United States end in divorce. Often for good reasons. But does experiencing divorce mean that you’ll never find love again? That you won’t have a serious relationship again? That you’ll never want to be married again? Are those doors closed to you now?
Not necessarily. There’s an increasing number of people out in the world who are navigating finding love after divorce.
Partners navigating new relationships post divorce -whether one of you has been divorced or both of you have been- face a unique set of challenges. For many, divorce and the experience in that relationship leading up to divorce is not fun. At best, it’s very sad and at worst, it’s traumatic. With those experiences, the idea of entering into a new relationship poses a great deal of risk- you’ve seen what happens when it doesn’t work out. How do you set yourself up for success?
First, mourn the loss of that relationship and give yourself some time to process the idea that you have a new life to design. For some people it’s the relationship itself. For others, it’s mourning the dreams and plans that they had mapped on to that relationship that are no longer going to happen. Even if it is was TERRIBLE, it’s still a loss that you’ve experienced and that deserves some time to process and sort out. How much time that takes varies person to person.
Second, in your quiet moments, what role do you think you had in the dissolution of this relationship? Are there traits that you want to work on in order to be able to connect with someone differently? Give yourself the opportunity to build these skills. Maybe it’s getting better at identifying and setting boundaries, maybe it’s learning how to ask for what you need, maybe it’s getting clearer on the kind of relationship you want.
Third, get comfortable with risk. Loving someone any time is a risk. You were risking when you first got married. You were risking when you ended that marriage. You are risking now. You have survived everything you’ve been faced with so far. You risk this too.
Fourth, when you meet someone, put in the effort to stay in your new narrative. This new partner is not your ex-spouse. You get the opportunity to build a new way of being with them and new habits in this relationship. Let go of your relationship archetype. Allow your partner to BE your partner, not someone who fits the role you’ve created in your brain as partner. When you view them as their own person, you have a better chance of responding and reacting in new ways and not repeating your previous marriage.
As an added bonus- anchor back into the sound relationship house. Build your love maps and work your way on up. That gives you a nice, methodical, way to navigate entering into something new and ensuring that you’re focusing on important relationship components.
If you’re struggling with entering a new relationship after divorce, are still processing your divorce, or are finding that your previous relationship is impacting your new relationship, click the button below and let me help you navigate this time.