How to Set Boundaries
Bouuuuuuunnnnndarieeeeeeessss! My favorite thing!
You’ve probably heard this bouncing around the wellness space in recent years, but how much do you feel like you know about boundaries?
Do you have rigid boundaries? Diffuse? What does that even mean?
Maybe, when you think about setting boundaries, you have a visceral reaction. A feeling of “ick” or “I couldn’t possibly”, or “that’s so fucking selfish”. Maybe, alternatively, you think of boundaries and you see walls. Maybe walls feel comfortable for you.
Perhaps, you are interested in boundaries, but you’re not even sure how to begin.
This is for you.
I like to conceptualize boundaries as the way you tell others to treat you. Oftentimes, before we delve into this work, we don’t really know when we’re setting boundaries, but we definitely know when they are being violated.
Your boundaries inform your relationships, your well-being, and what’s on your plate.
It sounds like it should be simple- and for some people, it is- but for many people being able to set boundaries and ensuring that they’re setting appropriate boundaries takes mindset work and practice.
Typically boundaries fall into three categories:
· Healthy
· Rigid
· Diffuse
For each of these categories, there are certain beliefs that underlie them and are involved in their setting. Some of these are adaptive, and serving, many of them may have developed as something adaptive but no longer serve you.
Healthy boundaries allow information, attention, and care to be given and received. It can be compared to a picket fence. Sturdy, with even spacing in between.
Rigid boundaries are concrete walls. Nothing gets in. Nothing flows back out. Boundaries are used as armor.
Diffuse boundaries are a torn down fence. Everyone and everything is connected. There is no decision around how much you give or receive, you simply give and receive everything.
Learning how to set healthy boundaries can change your life and I’m going to give you the steps to do so.
1. Identify your rights- I’m located in the US, and maybe some of you are too. When I talk about identifying your rights, I don’t just mean your legal, constitutional rights. More so, I mean your rights as a human being. Your right to respect. Your right to dignity. Your right to humanity. Your right to feel whole. Your right to not have to prove your worth.
2. Figure out your own feelings- Harkening back to the feelings we identified in both our post around [link] rigid boundaries and [link] loose boundaries, are you feeling any of these? Are there specific relationships where you feel these more or less?
3. Identify your limits – What are you comfortable with? What does your ideal relationship look like with the different people in your life? You get to live your life on your terms. We get a lot of different messaging throughout our lives around what we owe others or how we’re supposed to behave in order to make others feel. The truth is, you don’t owe anyone anything and you get to decide the limits of all of the relationships in your life.
4. Say yes to what falls within those limits- If something feels good when it’s asked of you whether that be being available for something, going to an event, doing a favor, if it feels like it falls within the limits you’ve already determined and you have the emotional bandwidth for it. Say yes! Go for it!
5. Say no to what falls outside of those limits – If something doesn’t feel good, or pulls up a sense of dread when it’s asked of you. If your gut is telling you that under other circumstances maybe it would be a yes, but you don’t have the emotional bandwidth for it: Say No. You don’t have to say no with malice or frustration, you can say no with a smile. You don’t have to go against your gut to make others happy. You can say no to things and you’re allowed to not feel guilty for it.
6. Allow yourself to be flexible based upon the relationships that you have- Your boundaries aren’t set in stone. You’re going to find that the things that feel good are different based on different relationships in your life. They may also be different based on the different seasons of your life—and that’s okay!
Although this list makes setting boundaries very simple, it’s not always the easiest thing. As we discussed in previous posts, there are a lot of beliefs and fears that motivate the way that we set our boundaries if they’ve previously been unhealthy. Even though this is something that will be good for you in the end, it can feel really uncomfortable in the beginning as you navigate the new relationships you’re setting up.
If this feels extra difficult or insurmountable for you, I would be happy to help you work through it! Send me an email, give me a call, or just hit the button below and let’s get started.