Breaking From Family Expectations
“You’re so smart. You’re going to be the president”. “You make sure to get good grades so you can come back and take over the family business”. “You only need your family so make sure you’re always close by”. “We sacrificed so you can have more than we did. Don’t squander that on art.” “We worry about you. When are you going to get married?” All of these are statements that I have heard while going about my life (running errands, etc) in the past two weeks. While I did not personally know everyone making the statements, in bearing witness they appeared to come from family elders or caregivers to the younger generation. And while often it seemed these statements were coming from a caring place, they all lay significant expectations at the feet of the receiver. What happens if you don’t meet those expectations? Or if you see your desired life and passions moving you in a different direction? How do you honor yourself while also honoring your relationships with your loved ones?
Start by acknowledging your family’s position. This is related to empathy and validation. It’s important to work to truly understand what your loved ones envision and the feelings that are underpinning it. Your family isn’t setting expectations (by and large) to piss you off or to trap you in a life that you would hate. Most often, these expectations are set with what are believed to be your best interests at heart. Ensure that it is communicated that you are aware of that and that you appreciate all of the thought put into how you might have a good life. Without this step, you’re going to lose most people. If people feel misunderstood, especially if it feels like a willful misunderstanding, it’s challenging to feel receptive to the rest of someone’s message.
After acknowledging your family’s position, it’s important to communicate that your rejection of those expectations is not a rejection of your family members. It’s very easy to fall into the criticism/defensiveness loop when you’re making a different choice than your loved ones made. When you’re talking about the choice that they made, it’s important to not go all in on your criticism of the choice. Express why the choice you ARE making is the best choice for you without making it be all about why the choice you’re opting out of is bad. When you make it all about why the choice that your loved ones want you to make is bad, it is easy for your loved one to feel like you’re saying that THEY are bad/stupid/wrong/not good enough for you. This is the last thing you want in attempting to preserve your relationships while breaking out of the pattern.
Next, establish your boundaries. This is bound to be a loaded topic and because you want to preserve your relationships, know what you are willing or not willing to discuss. Boundaries are about having positive relationships. What in this would allow you to maintain a positive relationship? Is it a boundary around conversation attempting to convince you to change your mind? Respectfully establish these with the appropriate parties.
After establishing the boundaries, offer an alternative to your loved ones. Help your loved ones understand what emotionally supporting your decision might look like. If total, all-in, unconditional support is not in the cards at this time, perhaps emotional support might be a statement that they believe in you. Maybe it’s not falling into the criticism/defensiveness loop that you previously avoided. Maybe support looks like efforts for your loved ones to understand what you love about the decision that you are making.
Accept that making a different choice than the prescribed path might result in more hurdles for you. For some families, concrete support (like paying for college for example, or helping with a vehicle, or, in extreme cases, your housing situation) is dependent on falling in line with the prescribed path. Right or wrong, this is a fact for many people who are making a different decision than the one their loved ones wanted them to around the life that they live. Prepare for the hurdles that may arise as a result of this. Expect that there will be some feelings about having to prepare for these hurdles and that it may make these relationships more challenging for a period of time. Develop contingency plans to ensure that your basic needs remain met.
Challenging the family norm is rarely easy. It can, however, have long term benefits in allowing you the freedom to make the decision that is best for you. Best case scenario, this happens and you have a difficult conversation but you all walk away feeling heard, understood, loved, and supported. If it goes awry and you’re having difficulties reconciling all of the conflicting feelings, click the button below and let’s start the healing process.