Negative Self-Talk
Everyone has a version an inner voice that talks to them as they go about their day. No, not like “hearing voices” or having a psychotic episode, rather, this inner voice is a reflection of a person’s thoughts, typically about themselves and their behavior. This is referred to as “self-talk”. For many people, this inner voice is really mean and critical (and in some circles is actually called the “inner critic”) and this negative self talk is the focus of our conversation this week.
First things first, what does negative self-talk sound like? Negative self talk is mean. It can sound like making a mistake and referring to yourself as a fucking idiot. It can sound like internally shaming yourself for having an idea or putting yourself out there (ex “why would anyone want to listen to YOU?, dummy”) It can look like someone noticing you and your inner voice telling you that they must be looking at you because they find your hideous. The inner critic engaging in negative self-talk is a total asshole. It knows your biggest insecurities and highlights them constantly. For many people, negative self-talk is so constant and so insidious, they don’t even realize how mean that they are being to themselves.
It sounds pretty terrible, right? So why might someone have or engage in negative self-talk? Negative self talk is closely tied to (and could be considered a byproduct of) poor self-image, low self-esteem, perfectionism, and a lifetime of trying to live up to impossible expectations. It weaves its way throughout your thoughts and behaviors and is a consistent soundtrack to your life. Part of what makes it incredibly challenging is the fact that it creates a self-fulfilling system. The behavior and the negative thought are so closely tied that it leaves little space to give yourself grace or entertain alternatives.
As you can imagine, negative self-talk is incredibly damaging. Our language creates our reality and the stories that we tell ourselves carry the most weight. Someone could be objectively accomplished and receive accolades for their community, and if they engage in negative self-talk, their belief will still likely be that they are somehow incompetent or not good enough. And because this belief is stated internally over and over again, that connection becomes stronger and stronger.
The good news is that even if you’ve fallen into the habit of negative self-talk, it is never too late to turn that inner voice into something neutral or positive. First, create awareness. Notice the way that you speak to yourself. Pay attention to the messages that you’re supporting in your head. Next, think about those messages and how you might respond to your best friend or a loved one if they made the same error or had a similar experience. Then, use that to create a counter narrative to the one that you’ve fallen into the habit of repeating. For example, maybe you call yourself stupid when you make a mistake and you recognize that you do this. Acknowledge that if your best friend made a mistake, you would reassure them that it’s human to make an error and that they’ll know better for next time. Then, next time you notice yourself calling yourself an idiot, literally say “No, I’m not an idiot. I’m a human and sometimes humans make mistakes. Next time I will know how to do this differently.”. Do this over and over again until your counter narrative gains the strength of the previous negative self-talk and replaces it as the automatic reaction.
Negative self-talk is not remotely helpful or motivating for a person. All it does is serve to keep you feeling badly and supporting negative images you have of yourself. You are deserving of seeing yourself as a whole person and of giving yourself grace in the face of challenges. If you struggle with negative self-talk, click the button below and let’s start changing the message.