Why Do People Cheat?

If you’ve made it here, there’s a good chance you’ve experienced this week’s topic: Infidelity.

Infidelity is one of the leading reasons that couples seek couples therapy. It’s often an incredibly painful experience for both partners and it’s confusing, sometimes, to decide how you move forward.

Today though, I want to address one of the most frequently asked questions that come up with couples recovering from infidelity: “How did this happen? Why?”

If you’ve worked with me or you’ve been reading for some time, you’ll know that I often state that very few things are not part of a system and does not have some kind of systemic cause. The actual act of infidelity- choosing to step out of your relationship whether that be physically or emotionally is one of those experiences. That decision lies with one person within the couple.

Unpopularly, the thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that make a relationship vulnerable to infidelity are absolutely part of the couple system. And these are going to comprise your “why” (as in “WHY did this happen? WHY did you do this?”).

The most commonly cited reasons for infidelity or, rather, for conditions being ripe for infidelity to occur are:

·        Feeling unseen in their relationship

·        Feeling disconnected in their relationship

·        Feeling under-valued in their relationship

This happens over time and, often, due to the relationship not being made a priority. There are a lot of reasons that a relationship takes a back seat- having children, new jobs, caregiving for parents, to name a few, and in short spurts, your relationship can handle that dip in care but it can’t handle it being the new way of being (similarly to the way a plant will droop without water, but can perk back up if it gets water soon enough). Remember, your relationship is a like a houseplant- it’s a living thing and it requires nurturance. If it’s neglected, it will die. That death looks like chronic disconnection.

What infidelity provides is a fantasy-land. It’s a world where someone can feel connected, seen, and valued without the actual realities and challenges that a relationship faces. It’s easy to hide in an affair when it allows you to pretend that everything else is fine and doesn’t make you navigate the hard work of getting your relationship or marriage back on track.

I find that this idea of a relationship being vulnerable and that being a shared responsibility is an extremely difficult thing to take in when you’re in recovery from infidelity-particularly for the partner that did not make the decision to engage in the behavior. Afterall-they’re the victim in this. And I want to be clear- you did not make your partner engage in infidelity, you can put that down as being your responsibility. What you do have to find a way to pick up is the idea that you had a role in the state of your relationship prior to the infidelity. This will also help you have more success when it comes to navigating recovery.

Now, given all of this, you may be wondering “can you even come back from this?” and the answer is surprising. The majority of couples who face infidelity DO recover. There is a path forward from this where you can feel safe, seen, connected, and valued in your relationship. Next week we’ll talk more about coming back from infidelity and how you might walk through that.