Contempt

Here we are, our week on contempt.

I left this to the end of this series intentionally. Contempt is consistently shown to be the most damaging of the four horsemen and in comparison to the other four is the number one predictor of divorce or relationship dissolution. Remember I said earlier in our series, not all of the horsemen are created equal and some are easier to come back from than others. Contempt is tough.

Let’s start with the basics, what is contempt?

Contempt can be simply summarized as being mean. It is criticism on steroids. Your interaction is barbed with disrespect, hostility, name calling, disgust and superiority with the emphasis on making your partner feel lesser than you.

Why is it harmful?

Contempt sends the message that you are disgusted with your partner. That is not something that typically leads to greater understanding or connection, it typically builds shame and can very easily lead to stonewalling. Like criticism, it attacks your partner at their core. It does not invite problem solving or conflict resolution. Contempt only invites more conflict and more dissatisfaction.

How can you stop it?

Like stonewalling, contempt can show up because a person is feeling flooded and is desperate for connection (even negative connection, even short term connection that destroys long term connection). What is more effective in the immediate is to take account of your feelings and needs. What is going on for you in this moment? How have you been feeling? What is underpinning this brand of lashing out?

Slow down and soothe. When you return, work on describing those needs and feelings.

Over time, you’re going to need to repair. Think back to our series on the sound relationship house. Do you remember the level that explored fondness and admiration? Once contempt has entered the relationship, admiration and fondness take on new weight. You have to prioritize fondness and admiration to both repair from the contempt and to build a culture where the memory of that contempt doesn’t carry so much impact.

Think of it this way: contempt sends the message that you are not a team and that one partner is inherently better than the other. It removes the concept of “we” from your relationship and puts you squarely in “I” territory. When you add fondness and admiration back into your relationship, it reinstates the “we”. It demonstrates that you find your partner worthy of respect, affection, and belonging. It implies that you are in this together and can manage things together. It also serves as a reminder that you actually love your partner and don’t reduces the contemptuous feelings that were expressed. As with stonewalling, it is your responsibility to navigate your own soothing.

If this or any of the four horsemen are something you and your partner struggle with, give me a call. We can work through the roadblocks to applying the antidotes and give you back the relationship that you want.