Circle of Control and Circle of Influence
When anxiety or overwhelm strikes and we start feeling out of control there are a plethora of breathing techniques and grounding techniques that can help you come back to baseline physiologically and, for some, that’s enough, but for an entire other subset of people that leaves them calmer but still thinking “now what?”. This is where the circle of influence versus the circle of control comes into use.
If you’ve worked with me for any length of time, you’ve seen me whip out this extremely crude and now kind of crumpled picture of the circle of control and the circle of influence. I use it in my personal life, this drawing was actually a result of using it with my husband, and I teach it to clients All. The. Time. It’s a helpful tool to help you refocus your thoughts, feelings, and energy and take note of what must be let go.
So how does this work? First, you draw a doughnut. The doughnut hole is your circle of control. Notice that it is very small- it’s size is in relation to the things in your life or in a given situation that are completely under your control. The doughnut ring is the circle of influence. This represents things that you may not have total control over but you can ask, encourage, gather information about or otherwise potentially influence.
Inside the circle of control for a given stressful, overwhelming, or anxiety provoking situation, write down all of the parts of this that are absolutely in your control. Every single thing you can think of. Next, for the same situation, in the circle of influence section, fill in all the ways that you can think of that you may be able to influence this situation. Anything that does not fall into the circle of control or the circle of influence, you must let go of. You cannot do anything about those parts and they must be endured as they potentially come up.
How is this different from just “letting it go”? There is a Venn diagram overlap between this exercise and the concept of letting things go. The main difference is that I find the circle of influence and circle of control allows people to simultaneously realize that they are not completely powerless. The actions in the circle of control and then the circle of influence give a roadmap for what can be done about a situation and gives anchor points for big feelings. It shifts the feelings away from perseverating over what cannot be helped into what can be. There is also a great metaphorical satisfaction in throwing the whole thing away once you have completed everything in both circles, thus truly letting it go.
The circle of control and circle of influence is not a cure-all. It’s a tool. It’s not going to make you never feel anxious again or make it magically disappear when it arises, but it can help you to reregulate your nervous system and shift both the physiological and cognitive experiences of anxiety. If this is something you struggle with and you want to delve into it further, I’m available in New York, New Jersey, and Connecticut, to help you through it. Click the button below and let’s have a conversation.