Relationship Confidence

Over the past several weeks we’ve been talking about the cycle that a couple enters when they’re attempting to repair a relationship breach or trauma. You’ve seen an overview of this cycle and in the last two weeks we’ve talked about building emotional safety and then building trust in the relationship.

For many people they feel like that should be the end. We have trust. Everything is great. For those who stop there, oftentimes partners end up feeling unseen, unacknowledged, and unheard.

Confidence building is a joint process and is a process where you enjoy the efforts you both put forth in the previous two steps- emotional safety and building trust.

In building confidence, you both acknowledge the efforts made by your partner. This is key because you’re showing your partner that you see them and you see that they are different from when the breach occurred in your relationship.

The confidence stage is about adopting the belief that the changes you’ve seen are real and that your relationship paradigm has now formally shifted. You are no longer questioning if the changes you’ve been seeing are real.

When we think about change, change is often split into two concepts- first order change and second order change. First order change is adaptive, incremental, and involves making moderate adjustments. This is your trust building stage. Second order change goes a step farther. It is a new world view, a new state of being, and a change in context. This confidence stage is second order change. You are not just engaging in new behaviors, your relationship now has  new way of being.

Once you have achieved confidence, you can consider your relationship recovered from the relationship trauma. You have built new habits and a new way of connecting with your partner. Congratulations, you guys!