Supporting a Struggling Partner

Many of us get caught up in the idea that positive feelings should be the norm. Our baseline if you will. And any feelings that push us into a more negative space are automatically regarded as invaders to be destroyed (or avoided, or pushed down as far as possible). In reality, our baseline is closer to a neutral and negative feelings are all a part of having a full human experiences. But what about the times when the negative really outweighs either the neutral or the positive?

What about when it’s happening to someone you love?

How can you support your partner or loved one when they are having a really tough time with their mental health?

First, recognize that their emotional well-being is not something that you can be wholly responsible for. You cannot make them feel well any more than your can make them feel anxious or depressed.

With that in mind, there are a number of things that you can do.

Be honest with your loved one. Voice what you’ve noticed and what your concern is. Let them know that you love them, you value them, and that you’re there for them in whatever way they want or need. Also remember that if they’re deeply depressed or highly anxious, they may not be able to tell you what they need.

Get comfortable with discomfort. Accept your loved one where they are. Love them where they are. Let them know that it’s okay that they are having a hard time and that you do not love them any less.

Help make sure their basic needs are being met. If you share a space, handle the rent and groceries/meals for a little while. Bring glasses of water.

Talk to them about bringing in or mobilizing other members of their support network. Who can they talk to? Who do they feel safe with?

Mobilize your own support system. Supporting someone who is deeply struggling is not something that exists in the box, make sure that you’re filling your own cup.

Engage in regular check ins and safety planning.

Remember that they’re still a person even though they’re struggling. You’re allowed to still have fun together.

Help connect them with professional resources. There are thousands of therapists, social workers, counselors, psychiatrists, and psychiatric nurse practitioners out there ready to help you. And they don’t have to go alone, plenty are willing to see someone with a partner or a loved one. In fact, many times some kind of systemic therapy has better outcomes for depression and anxiety than strictly individual therapy.

If they’re going to hurt themselves or someone else, take them to the ER or call an ambulance. This has now gone beyond the two of you. They may or may not be admitted. What will happen here is someone will do a psychiatric evaluation and determine whether or not an admission is appropriate at the emergency room. You guys don’t have to take this on on your own.

Have you helped someone who is struggling? Have you had great help when you’ve been struggling? Join the conversation and share things that you found particularly helpful!