Criticism
Criticism is the first of the Gottman’s Four Horsemen that encompass behaviors that predict divorce or relationship dissolution.
First, let’s talk about what criticism is not. Criticism is not a complaint. It is not about specific behavior. It is not constructive.
Negative feelings feel, well, bad, and it’s not uncommon for humans to relentlessly seek an explanation for their negative feelings in order to avoid them. What this can create is a situation where people scan their environment and keep track of others’ (including their partner’s!) mistakes, habits, or behaviors, in order to explain their negative feelings. This tracking creates an environment ripe for resentment and where resentment lives, criticism is apt to follow.
What does criticism sound like?
Criticism involves words like “always” or “never”. Anything that can be said with a pointing finger likely is a criticism. If it attacks your partner’s character or implies an issue with who they are at their core-it is a criticism.
You may be wondering at this point how you can talk to your partner about an issue or something that you’re upset about that they do without it drifting into criticism. I want to remind you that complaints or expressing a need is still absolutely appropriate. Not criticizing does not have to mean that you think your partner’s every behavior is perfect.
Let’s look at an example of a criticism and contrast that with an example of a complaint.
Criticism: “You always interrupt me and never care about what I say!”
Complaint: “Remember when we talked about how we have gotten in the habit of talking over each other and wanted to break it? It’s important to me that we both have space to share our thoughts and feelings in conversation with one another and I’ve been noticing that I’m often getting interrupted recently.”
What makes this different?
A softer start. This is the major antidote to criticism. In this example, it’s harkening back to a previous conversation and shared values. It’s using collaborative language. It’s devoid of judgement. It’s owning your own feelings and needs.
Another way to describe or enact a softer start is to practice complaint without blame. Like we talked about back during the week separating needs or being needy, a tenant of complaining without blaming is to use “I” statements. Ask yourself what you’re feeling in this moment and what you need from your partner. Make requests.
What other benefits do you get from complaints rather than criticism?
Well, as noted last week, criticism often invites defensiveness. When you are able to complain without criticism and without blame, you invite your partner to engage with you in repair rather than digging their own heels into defensiveness. Defensiveness and criticism and create their own escalating feedback loop. The more a person feels criticized the more they feel the need to defend, and the more a person feels the need to criticize because the defensiveness leaves them feeling unheard and misunderstood.
By inviting the opportunity to repair and keep complaints to behaviors or situations rather than who a person is at their core, you also invite open communication and make is safe to be honest with one another and make mistakes which allows you to grow together as a couple.
Meet me back here next week for a deeper dive into defensiveness.