Defensiveness

Defensiveness is the second of Gottman’s Four Horsemen that predict relationship dissolution. And this is a tough one to swallow because I can guarantee we’ve all been defensive. We’ve all at some point put up our hands and said “Not me! I didn’t do it!” and have found excuses for our behavior.

Defensiveness is the flip side of the coin of the previously discussed horseman; criticism. While criticism encompasses blame and expresses it as a you-statement, defensiveness also encompasses blame and reacts to criticism with “not me but you” because it creates an excuse for the behavior that shows that having the expectation of things to be different is the fault of another.

As you can likely see, defensiveness is very dismissive of another’s pain and invites even more criticism and when criticism increases, turning to defensiveness as a form of protection increases over and over and over again. This typically leaves everyone feeling unseen, misunderstood, and unvalued.

How do you combat turning toward defensiveness? You take responsibility. Every interaction is a system and the system responds to what is put into it. Meaning, maybe you actually did something, like you didn’t take the trash out or clean up the baby’s toys after they went to bed, those are sometimes easier to take responsibility for because the “evidence” is out in the open. You can own that yes, you neglected to do those tasks. Where this can be more difficult is when it is a feeling that is unintentionally evoked. Many of us like to believe that we are “good” people (whatever that means) and oftentimes part of this goodness includes not hurting others’ feelings. Taking responsibility can mean owning that, even if unintentional, your behavior hurt feelings.

This incongruence of how we see ourselves and feedback that may propel us into defensiveness is referred to as a “behavioral blindspot”. Professor Douglas Stone described these and their resulting impact well in an interview with Forbes India:

A: These are things that we can’t see about ourselves, but which others do see. When someone tries to give us feedback in a blind spot, we usually reject it as simply wrong – not because we’re being irrationally defensive, but because, to us, it actually seems wrong. It leaves us feeling confused, because we wonder what would cause others to give us feedback that is so off target? Are they jealous, petty, naïve, or political? As we sort through what would motivate the other person to give us such feedback, we move further and further from considering how the feedback might be useful to us.

Q: What causes blind spots?

A: There are two key causes. The first is that we can’t see ourselves. We spend a lot of time with ourselves, so in one sense, we know more about ourselves than anyone else could ever know; but there are things about ourselves that we literally can’t see, such as our facial expressions and our body language. Even our tone of voice is hard to judge. So the very data that is most obvious and present to others is what is missing for us. We communicate a tremendous amount through expressions and tone, especially regarding our emotional state. The merest squint can communicate, “I doubt that,” even as we’re saying, “that sounds right.”

…

A second kind of blind spot is our impact on others, which again, we cannot see, because these impacts occur inside the minds and hearts of the other person.  We have indirect evidence of it, but it’s easy to misinterpret. “Surely, she knew I was joking,” we think; or, “I can’t imagine what I said upset him; it wouldn’t have upset me.” Sometimes we’re right, but often we’re wrong.”"

Given these blindspots, it makes sense to think that we turn to defensiveness as self-protection against feedback that runs counter to our own self-perception (or maybe gets a little too close to parts of ourselves that we’re insecure about or not proud of). What happens though, is that you ultimately invite more criticism and more defensiveness that can potentially turn into much more negatively impactful contempt and stonewalling.

Take accountability. Listen to your partner. Remember that you are on the same team and they are not trying to hurt you.

Next up we’re exploring stonewalling-the third and probably most misunderstood of the four-horsemen.