Dealing with Unpleasant Parents
When you become a parent, I’m sure there are many dreams that you have for what that experience will be like. Maybe you’re excited for the skills that you’re going to teach them. Maybe it’s the moments that you’ll have at home that feel especially cozy. For others, they’re looking forward to sharing hobbies and traditions. What many people are not counting on in this dream is dealing with the other parents of their children’s peers. In particular, most people are not dreaming of dealing with mean-girl-moms, rude-dude-dads or altogether unpleasant-parents.
Before you had children, if you encountered a mean-girl, rude-dude or unpleasant-parent in your environment, you had a great deal of choice on whether you engaged with them or not. If you wanted to, you could largely avoid them socially. You did not have to friends with or even have any interaction with people you have identified as mean, rude, or unpleasant. Once you (and they) have children, you’ve now added two more people into the equation and your ability to limit engagement might be diminished.
Once your kids start school (and even sooner, but certainly by the time school starts), time with other children is really important to their development. This can include play-dates, extracurricular activities, and multi-family activities. These have a purpose. They help you child’s socioemotional development. Your child until they’re in their late teens are also largely an extension of you. They don’t have the power to set up a play date or get themselves to an activity (or give themselves permission to participate). This is where you come in. So what do you do if your kid befriend the child of an unpleasant parent? I’m not talking about abusive parents which would be an entirely different conversation, I’m talking about those who raise your insecurities and make you feel like you’re personally back in middle school. What do you do?
First- treat it like business. When you had this child, you added to your responsibilities. One of those responsibilities is their socioemotional development. SO if they’ve befriended the child of an unpleasant parent, set up a playdate the same way that you would set up any other appointment. You do not have to be friends as parents, you have to navigate logistics.
Second, as much as possible, be respectful and be cordial. The more you can keep neutrality, the better off it will be for your child. The unpleasantness of the other parent is not the fault of your child nor is it the fault of their child. The kids deserve connection. When the parents are fighting or are disrespectful or disparaging of one another (or outright hostiles), the kids bear the brunt of that. Remember, they do not have to be your friend.
Third, ensure that you’re building your own community outside of this person. If the unpleasant-parents in your orbit seem to have a great deal of social power, it may seem as though you’re trapped and doomed to be friendless. NOT SO. It won’t be as simple as being friends with your kid’s friends’ parents, but it does not mean that you’re alone. Seek out community around your own profession, hobbies and interests. Maybe work to meet other parents in your area or connect with other parents at the activities your kid is involved in. While they are enjoying their team and hanging out with unpleasant-parent’s kid, you can enjoy time with a different parent on the sidelines. The more you’re able to feel belonging in other areas of your life, the less weight the unpleasant-parent’s power holds.
If you’re struggling with navigating the unpleasant-parents in your life, click the button below and give me a call. We’ll talk about how to put you in a more empowered place and feel more connected to your community.