Sibling Relationships
Sibling relationships are one of the most common and least studied relationships a person may engage in. There are a lot of messages out there about how your sibling relationships should be ranging from triply stereotypical relationships of rivalry, to fierce protector, to best friend. Many people have sibling relationships that mirror these while many also have relationships that don’t come anywhere close to these stereotypes.
Sibling relationships differ from every other relationship in your life in that they are not chosen by either party (neither of you opted to be born and neither of you had a choice in your parents choosing to have another child) and also often exist in close proximity. And so, for at least one of you, from birth, you are inexplicably connected to this…person. And from the jump that connection comes with expectations that again, neither of you opted into. For some, they navigate this with relative ease, for many other than we talk about, this creates a crisis of sort between how they are being told things “should” be and how things actually are.
Now, these relationships are not wholly confusing. They can come with a variety of benefits. They allow you to practice connecting to peers before you’re school aged. Concepts like sharing are more readily picked up because there is no choice, sharing whether it be parental attention or a toy truck is a fact of life within the sibling relationship. For younger siblings, sometimes this can contribute to meeting developmental milestones like language acquisition a little sooner because there are more people talking around you and you have a model for behavior that is closer to you in age.
But let’s go back to those expectations for a minute. Yes, you were born into this connection or had this connection thrust upon you. Yes, there are so many depictions of sibling relationships across books, movies, and tv shows which can muddle how you actually view this relationship. Maybe you’re navigating parental pressure for this relationship to be different than it is. When you view this relationship, what do you actually want? They’re a person that you’re connected to, but that does not have to assume a relationship. Think about the role that this relationship plays in your life and what role you want it to play in your life.
If you don’t have an especially close relationship and you want one, your job becomes creating opportunities to nurture that relationship. If you don’t talk regularly, reach out to them! This does not have to be a serious, sit-down, come-to-jesus conversation about your feelings. This can be as simple as sending them a funny meme or ticktok video which may then grow to texts, phone calls, and facetime conversations. If you live geographically close, invite them out to eat or to an event. Show up for important events in their life or their kid’s lives. Over time, this will allow space for a more emotionally close relationship.
Relationships are two-way streets, if they do not walk through the door that you open to have a closer relationship OR if when you evaluate this relationship you decide that you are actually okay with not being close, that’s okay. These are actually, emotionally, treated in similar ways. First, mourn the relationship that was not to be. You’re still getting inundated with images of how it “should” be. Mourn the fact that your relationship does not mirror those. Then, make space for the relationship to be as it is and appreciate it for what it is. What are the parts that you enjoy? Work on highlighting those rather than the parts that feel like they’re lacking. If this is a difficult relationship, how can you engage in this relationship with the quality that it has in a way that feels okay for you? Are there boundaries you need to set on this with your sibling? What about with people who may be putting pressure on the relationship? Identify where those boundaries might be and then practice them.
If sibling relationships are a tricky space for you, a skilled family therapist can help! We’re relationally trained and can help you navigate the trickiness of this relationship whether your sibling participates or not. If you’re in New York and this is a struggle, click the button below and let’s talk.