Demon Dialogues
We’ve spent a good bit of time with the Gottmans exploring their research and concrete interventions that were born from that research. I enjoy the Gottman’s work. I find it lends itself to feelings of confidence in moving forward and creates known tasks to engage in to move the needle forward on your relationship satisfaction. This week though, we’re returning to my first love, Emotionally Focused Therapy developed by Dr. Sue Johnson.
Specifically, we’re starting a series on what Dr. Johnson deems the “demon dialogues” which are the names for three types of interactions (that typically come up around conflict) that can take over your relationship and destroy emotional connection. This week we’ll do an overview of these three types of interactions and then we’ll take one type for each week to dig into more including how they develop and how to get out of it.
The first of the three demon dialogues is called Find The Bad Guy. This is characterized by mutual attack by each partner when it comes to conflict. This is a HOT argument. It feels like war with each partner hurling what they feel will hurt most at their partner. It increasingly escalates to a fever pitch. Both partners are vying for control. The tone of the argument (what Dr. Johnson terms the “emotional music”) is that of hostile criticism. Both partners are trying to take the moral high ground showing that they’re not the bad guy, you are. No one feels good after this.
The second demon dialogue will sound familiar as it’s rooted in the pursue/withdraw dynamic we explored earlier on the blog. It’s called the Protest Polka. This is characterized by the demand/withdraw dynamic. This argument can be heated though not as hot as Find the Bad Guy. If you were to watch this interaction it often involves one partner criticizing and prodding their partner seeking a response while the other emotionally shuts down. We’ll definitely get into the emotional experience of this for each partner in a couple of weeks but it’s important to know that the emotional music is such that both partners are moved out of relationship equilibrium and into loneliness and rejection. As each partner tries to regain connection, the conversation can quickly spiral.
The final demon dialogue is called Flight and Freeze. This is not typically a primary interaction that couples fall into but after time in either of the previous two interactions they can move into this. This is categorized by feelings of tension followed by avoidance. The tone of this dialogue is extremely hopeless. Both partners feel like connection is impossible and they no longer try. (If we’re connecting this back to some of the Gottman concepts we’ve discussed, think about turning away). Rather than attending to the relationship, the relationship no longer feels safe and both partners retreat into themselves. This is the most damaging demon dialogue as it is the precursor to ultimately letting the relationship go.
Each relationship has their own dance that keeps them trapped into these dialogues and seeking to avoid feeling hurt, rejected, or alone. But what happens in each of these dances is that the solution becomes the problem and the dance ends up creating more hurt, more feelings of rejection, and more loneliness. The good news is that you do not have to stay here. As we walk through each demon dialogue in the coming weeks, we’ll explore how to identify your own dance and the vulnerable feelings you’re both experiencing.
If this feels like a clear struggle for you and your partner, click the button below and let’s get in touch. Your relationship does not have to feel this way.