Attuning to Your Partner

              This week we’re revisiting a concept that we first explored during the trust and commitment part of the sound relationship house; attunement.

              According to the Gottman Institute, emotional attunement is the key to connection and mastering relationship conflict. According to Ellie Lisitsa of the Gottman Institute, “It is impossible to nurture healthy relational dynamics without practicing attunement.” But what is emotional attunement? Revisiting the acronym, attunement involves Awareness, Turning Toward, Tolerance, Understanding, Non-defensiveness, and Empathy. Each of these components moves a couple toward working together as a team and approaching problems by not only taking account of their personal experience of an issue but by also being motivated to work together.

              How can we improve attunement as partners? First, let’s start with awareness. This is personal. What is going on for you? Can you label any of your feelings? Where do you tend to feel bigger negative emotions in your body? That can be a big indicator to what you’re feeling because often times there’s a bodily, physiological signal to what you’re feeling before there’s an intellectual signal.

              Next, move to turning toward. This is really important. Even working through issues can be a source of connection and turning toward that bid is key to supporting attunement and seeing your partner as a true partner not an adversary. So slow down, self-soothe, and reconnect.

              Up your distress tolerance. And if you can’t raise it up, acknowledge when you’re feeling flooded and pause the conversation. Attunement, especially in the face of bigger issues is a tough thing. Give both of you the opportunity to take space.

              Suspend your judgement during the conversation. This puts you in a position to both try to understand your partner’s experience and position while also not falling into defensiveness yourself. Be curious. Ask open ended questions of one another.

              And finally, practice empathy. Enter your partner’s world for a while. Try to put yourself in their position and see the world from their perspective.

              If you’re able to put these things into practice for issues both big and small, you’re going to find that emotional attunement becomes a part of the culture of your relationship. This will keep you functioning as a team and build positive sentiment toward your relationship and your ability to come through issues together.

              If this is a struggle for you and your partner, click the button below and we’ll work through it together.