Do I Even Want to Date?
Once we reach middle school, the concept of dating becomes a strong topic of conversation and these conversations continue into adulthood really until a committed relationship and/or death. It seems so ubiquitous and endless that many people never even stop to think – do I want to do this?
In addition to conversations and questions like “are you seeing anyone?” one of the biggest hinderances to making the decision around whether or not someone wants to date is the rise of dating apps. Dating apps have made finding potential partners really accessible and has create an algorithm that helps you not only find people who want to date, but people who are in your area and share your interests. This is great if you’re in a space where you know that you want to date. It’s incredibly challenging if you’re feeling more ambivalent. The swipe-style functions in the brain similarly to social media in the way that it floods your brain with great neurotransmitters when you get a match. It also makes people who may be questioning whether they’re in a place to date or not right now feel like they cannot step away because they might miss “the one”. It’s a great business model. It keeps people engaged. I’m also here to tell you that if you’re feeling uncertain about whether you’re in a place to date, feel free to step away from the apps. You are allowed to opt in or out as you see fit.
Now, what are things to consider if you’re thinking about whether of not you want to date. Primarily, dating implies entering into a relationship. Relationships don’t just happen by chance and certainly aren’t nurtured on accident. They take time and dedication. If you don’t feel like you have the time or you are not interested in dedicating attention to your connection to another person, then it is 100% okay to decide that for the time being you’re going to put your time and dedication elsewhere and not bring in another person.
In the same vein of time and dedication, another question to ask yourself when you’re considering dating is: Are you ready to consider someone else’s wants and needs? Even dating casually assumes that you will be in some way, shape, or form considering someone else. You might be in a position where you don’t feel like your life allows you to do that. You might be navigating a busy career season. You might be navigating loss. You might be navigating caretaking. All of these might be happening in a way that feel all consuming and don’t allow you the emotional space to consider someone else’s needs because you’re already feeling too stretched by feeling the need to prioritize the wants and needs of established others.
Someone additional to consider if your own development. There are certainly times in a person’s life that they are focused on their own development or their own needs. You might be in an intense training program, you might be trying to get sober, you might be navigating challenging mental health needs (OR LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE). When navigating these you may feel like you are unable to balance your own development and growth with the needs of another person. It might even be contraindicated to enter in a relationship while navigating some of these things. This is a totally appropriate reason to decide that you’re not up for dating right now.
Ultimately, there are no rules about when and how you should be dating. You are allowed to enter into and remove yourself from the dating scene in whatever way feels right for you. Sometimes that can feel untrue because of the aforementioned conversations and the way that the apps behave, but there is no actual timeline for how you should be dating. It’s okay to do what makes sense for the season of life you are in and how equipped you feel to navigate the existing pieces of your life. And, like everything else, just because someone else has been able to balance dating and [insert life thing here] does not mean that you have to.