My Parents Are Aging and I Have Feelings About It
Our parents will inevitably age. If things go as they “typically” do, at some point your parents will get “old”. There is a universality to this. Despite the universal nature of this experience, we’re rarely prepared for this to happen nor are we prepared for the barrage of feelings we might have about it. This week we’re talking about navigating your own experience of your parents aging. (In our upcoming part two, we’ll get into ways to navigate ways to preserve your relationships with your parents while also navigating their aging and potential help they may need so stay tuned if that’s more in line with what you’re looking for!)
First things first- it is normal for you to be having a feeling about your parents aging. Give yourself space to feel those feelings. Oftentimes, feelings that come up are fear, anger, a sense of loss, and grief. This is a totally normal emotional space to be in when you’re seeing a transition in the way that your family has always been. In many ways, the feelings that you may be experiencing are your brain’s way of trying to prepare you for and protect you from emotional pain. That said, oftentimes our brains live in binaries and so it may try to send you from a space where you see your parent as totally capable and independent to seeing them as totally dependent. The reality is probably somewhere in between and it’s important to remind yourself of that.
Have open conversations with your parents. You all know that the aging process is happening. Before things have gone far, have proactive conversations about how you might keep one another in the know and what kind of help you might be asked to provide. Get meta. Talk about how you guys might talk about difficult topics like when your parents may not be able to live independently anymore. This allows space for everyone’s feelings to have space and also to diffuse some of the fears that may come up around bringing up these topics.
When you’re seeing this transition coming up and are starting to feel some feelings, it might be worthwhile to reprioritize the role that your parental relationships take in your life. It’s totally okay to decide that you want to take more opportunities to hang out with them and soak in the opportunities to make memories and get to know your parents as well as giving them the opportunity to get to know you as an adult. Take photos and videos. Preserve the fun times that are still to be had.
Redefine the relationship that exists here. While it is very easy to slip into despair over the change in these relationships, it might be valuable to explore the ways that while you may be going in some ways into caregiving, you’re also still a child. In what ways can you allow yourself to be a child in this? It will be different than it used to be, but your parent has not yet ceased to be your parent. Give yourself time and space to allow yourself to navigate this transition. Relationships are systems, a difference happening in one part of the system creates a change in other parts of the system.
Any transitions that a family may go through can create an upheaval or feeling of crisis for the family. Parental aging is no different in that regard. When transition occurs, it’s up to everyone to put in the work to navigate the feelings and experiences that result from it. Give yourself to space to navigate yours. As the child in this system, you will of course have feelings, you will of course have movement to make, and you will of course notice the change. Don’t put this in a box, invite it in. If you’re feeling challenged by navigating this change, click the button below and let’s start this conversation.