Demon Dialogues: Freeze and Flee
We’ve reached the last of our three demon dialogues: Flee and Freeze. As a reminder, flee and freeze is not typically a primary interaction that couples fall into but after time in either of the previous two interactions (find the bad guy and the protest polka) they can move into this. This is categorized by feelings of tension followed by avoidance. The tone of this dialogue is extremely hopeless. Both partners feel like connection is impossible and they no longer try. (If we’re connecting this back to some of the Gottman concepts we’ve discussed, think about turning away). Rather than attending to the relationship, the relationship no longer feels safe and both partners retreat into themselves. This is the most damaging demon dialogue as it is the precursor to ultimately letting the relationship go.
The emotional music heard during this interaction is low and miserable. It has essentially stopped. The couple is not reaching out to one another. No one is dancing. Dr Johnson explains that humans are not wired for this excruciating isolation. Freeze and Flee is about self-protection. Nobody’s fighting because nobody is invested enough to take a risk. So much of the emotional dances in relationships are about vulnerability and risk and this interaction has neitherFreeze and Flee is a “dance of distance.”
As stated, this is not usually a primary interaction. Freeze and flee typically follows the protest polka. The nervous systems of each partner will only tolerate pursuit for so long. Eventually, the pursuer gets burnt out. They also withdraw to mourn the relationship and start preparing to let go. They emotionally go into detachment and freeze. It’s just too hard to keep pushing and keep trying. The withdrawer, wanting to avoid the hot emotions of both the protest polka and find the bad guy, stays withdrawn and freezes in that position of cool and composed.
A confusing part of this emotional dance is that it can be overwhelmingly polite or show up as partners living parallel lives. They can function as a team around concrete issues or logistics. It is hallmarked by disconnection and a coolness though and the love has gone out of the interaction. This kindness and pragmatism towards each other is actually an evolving detachment and withdrawal state If this maladaptive coping behavior continues this couple can come to believe the problem lies within themselves. This is a way that this interaction differs from the previous two, it can start to shift each partner’s core beliefs about themselves and the world. It can throw the partners int a cycle of self-loathing which is damaging not only to this relationship but can impact future relationships.
This sounds pretty bleak. What can partners do if they find themselves in this cycle? Like the two other patterns, there is some effort that must go in to recognizing that you’re in a cycle. Externalize it form yourselves and commit to battling this dance. Couples must find islands of safety and islands of connection. Are there safe places to start thinking about potential risk and vulnerability? These are areas to start challenging and refuting negative cycles and replacing them with positive statements and interactions. This is not easy. We are pair-bonding creatures and when that most intimate bond is threatened, we become fearful and fiercely protective of our being. We need to be able to rely on others and when we feel we can’t we are thrown into chaos. Safety has to be established.
Once some measure of safety has been established, similarly to the protest polka, the work becomes creating a way for the pursuer to protest in a way that is softer and more loving and the withdrawer risking coming out and tolerating that distress without shame. Over time, this dance of distance can be replaced by an emotional bond. The work of the couple is then to keep connection, responsiveness, emotional safety, and emotional attunement top of mind because they know how easily they can slip into terrifying disconnection.