Demon Dialogues: The Protest Polka

Continuing our discussion of the patterns of conflict that couples get caught up in (or Demon Dialogues) we’re going to move today into the most commonly occurring demon dialogue- the protest polka.

The Protest Polka is characterized by the demand/withdraw dynamic. This argument can be heated though not as hot as Find the Bad Guy that we discussed previously. If you were to watch this interaction it often involves one partner criticizing and prodding their partner seeking a response while the other emotionally shuts down. The emotional music of this dance is such that both partners are moved out of relationship equilibrium and into loneliness and rejection. As each partner tries to regain connection, the conversation can quickly spiral.

Dr. Johnson, in her 2008 book Emotional Focused Couple Therapy (2008), describes the Protest Polka Dance as a maladaptive communication pattern that has one partner denying that emotional detachment exists, while the other person withdraws and protests their sense of disconnection. Johnson used the analogy of a partner banging on the door to get their partners attention, as the other person pushes the door shut. Johnson states this is a common snapshot of a couple engaged in the Protest Polka Dance.

The key to this dance is that both partners desperately want connection and cannot seem to find it. The pursuer who at this point is often escalated and upset seems to be grasping and clawing for connection which feels unsafe for the withdrawer. This is a mutually reinforcing cycle wherein the more a pursuer pursues, the more a withdrawer withdraws and vice versa. Both are unintentionally confirming and maintaining the others’ worst fears- that disconnection will persist. This can go on for years.

You may be thinking HOW? How can this go on for years? Well the protest polka is insidious. Many couples are not even aware that this is a dance that they are both locked in and define their partner as the problem to be fixed in the interaction or internalize so deeply with responsibility for the disconnection that they cannot be present and reach out to their partner. Dr. Johnson explains, ”The demand-withdraw pattern is not just a bad habit, it reflects a deeper underling reality: such couples are starving emotionally. They are losing the source of their emotional sustenance. They feel deprived. And they are desperate to regain that nurturance.”

If this continues for too long, eventually the nervous system of each partner can no longer handle this and the pursuer will also mourn and withdraw from the relationship. This can collapse the couple in the third demon dialogue- freeze and flee- which we will discuss at length next time.

So what do you do with this? If the dance is characterized by disconnection, then the only choice for the partners in the relationship are to change the steps of the dance or end the relationship. If partners are motivated to change the steps of the dance then we need to create an environment where sharing and connection become safe. Safety comes from creating a space where the withdrawer does not feel criticized or shamed and the pursuer does not feel alone and abandoned.

Change is created by a softening in the pursuing partner. They are able to protest with vulnerability and a soft voice. In response, the withdrawing partner increases their distress tolerance and commits to staying present in order to be responsive to their partner. The dance changes when both partners have a different experience of connection and attachment.

If this is a struggle for you and your partner, give me a call. We’ll work toward a better and safer sense of connection together.