Relationship Issues-Perpetual or Solvable?
Every relationship has problems. Every single one of them. Even theirs, yep that Disney perfect seeming couple too- they have problems.
What we don’t talk about is that there are different kinds of problems in a given relationship. According to the Gottman Institute, there are three different types of problems.
First we have solvable problems. These are feel simple. Each partner’s position is not deeply rooted. There are few other issues that are connected to these problems. These are the every day problems that come up and most couples are able to navigate on their own.
Next, we have perpetual problems. And let me be very clear here: every couple has at least one perpetual problem. These do not feel simple. They’re often connected to fundamental differences in the way each partner functions. When arguments come back to the same topic over and over again, that’s a signal that that’s your perpetual problem.
Finally, we have our primary focus for this week: gridlocked perpetual problems. These are perpetual problems on steroids. Those issues that are perpetual have been grossly mishandled and are now not just conflictual but deeply uncomfortable. The thing that separates perpetual problems and gridlocked perpetual issues is the deep discomfort and the simultaneous feeling that you’re getting nowhere. Often times these issues have an underlying agenda, or rather the problem is not JUST the problem presented, but also all of the other issues connected to it.
How do you know if you’ve become gridlocked?
Well, during or after the conflict you might experience any of the following:
feeling rejected by your partner.
Feeling constantly thwarted in attempting to solve the problem.
Each partner becomes solidly trapped in their position and explicitly plans to not give in any direction.
The subject always creates hurt and frustration between partners.
There is no lightness to these conversations. They are lacking humor, affection, or amusement and rather further keeps partners seeing one another as adversaries.
As this goes on, not only does the conversation lead to adversarial feelings, the topic being broached alone puts you in adversarial camps.
Viewing and being viewed as enemies decreases your inability to budge on your position and increases polarization in your views and your chances of reaching a compromise plummet.
You become increasingly emotionally disengaged from one another until you’re totally disengaged.
This sounds terrible and is definitely a recipe for emotional dissatisfaction and potential relationship dissolution. The good news is that you CAN reduce gridlock! You don’t have to stay here!
To dislodge gridlock each partner has to be motivated to become un-gridlocked and willing to be curious about what is underlying your partner’s position. You must be willing to soften.
Gridlocked perpetual issues are often related to un-met or unrealized dreams. As we talked about in the sound relationship house, sharing your dreams and helping your partner reach their dreams is key to maintaining a positive relationship so it’s no surprise that when you feel your dreams are being blocked you view that block as the enemy and don’t move emotionally closer.
How do you make it safe to explore these dreams?
Share your position with your partner without criticism or defensiveness. Write it out if that’s helpful to stay in your neutral position. Match this with curiosity. Ask questions without going into problem solving mode.
Acknowledge that this is stressful. You’re likely going to become emotionally flooded during this. Practice self-soothing and work together to soothe one another.
Accept that this might be unsolvable. While you may not have a clear solution, you can still have this shift out of gridlock by changing the way that you talk about this and help it to become a relaxed, respectful, un-barbed, topic. You can do this by (directly from The Gottman Institute):
Defining the minimal core areas that you cannot yield on.
Defining your areas of flexibility.
Devise a temporary compromise that honors both of your dreams.
If gridlocked perpetual issues are a big struggle for your partner and you just can’t un-gridlock them. Give me a call and I’ll work with you and your partner to help you explore the un-met dreams you’re each holding and make this topic un-barbed.