Growing Apart and Coming Back Together

Welcome back! Today we’re tackling one of my favorite topics to handle with couples, overcoming the feeling of growing apart.

Feeling disconnected or like you’re growing apart from your partner can feel really, really, well—shitty. This is a person that you’ve chosen to spend your life with! Most of the time that’s because we feel strongly for them, we love them, and we feel like we have a really solid bond with them and to feel like you’re losing that just tends to feel not great.

Most people think that something catastrophic has to have happened to start feeling like you’re growing apart from your partner—that’s simply not the case! Growing apart or feeling disconnected can happen for any number of reasons!

Some common times you may feel this are:

·        During major life transitions- This can be for positive things or negative. I’ve seen this occur around the addition of a new family member to the household (new baby! Aging parent!), new jobs (hey look a different schedule or a different stress), major moves (new city, new people), and  whole host of other transitions. Typically during these times your or your partners’ attention is elsewhere. Something does not allow them to be on autopilot and pulls the attention typically given to your relationship for a period of time.

·        When you’re seeking support from people outside of your relationship- No one’s partner can be all things to them and having a support system is crucial –however—if you find yourself feeling like you’re going to others significantly more often than you are going to your partner for support, then you may be feeling like you’re growing apart.

·        When life gets in the way- Things happen and life gets busy especially in seasons where you have young kids, or are making shifts. You haven’t had a date night in a few months and after a while it just stops being top of mind to make a priority. This can lead to feelings of disconnection and ultimately feeling as though you’re growing apart.

What does this FEEL like?

·        It can feel like you’re playing emotional whack-a-mole. You’re not mad at your partner exactly, but you find yourself feeling irritable at your barista or people in your office beyond what is appropriate for a given situation.

·        You’re feeling resentful.

·        You’re feeling like you’re the only one “doing” anything

·        Your frustration tolerance toward your partner severely diminishes leading to more and more arguments

Why does it matter?

There are lots of reasons that it matters but the primary two are these:

·        It doesn’t feel good

·        It can lead you to want to end a relationship that is not actually beyond repair.

SO what can you do if you’ve been feeling these things?

·        Have an honest conversation with your partner about feeling disconnected. Own your own feelings—this is not an opportunity for emotional dumping or blaming

·        Commit to it. Let it be weird and awkward the first few times you attempt to reconnect. You haven’t done it in a while, you need to build back up the habit.

·        Allow yourself to be vulnerable.

Check back with us next week when we’ll delve into specific ideas that you can implement to help you and your partner find your special brand of connection!