Healthy Boundaries
I can bring any situation back to boundaries. This is not because they’re a convenient solution to relational issues, but because boundaries are the very thing that help people across different kinds of relationships (familial, platonic, romantic, etc) have positive relationships and positive experiences for one another. They are the way that connection is supported and relationships are preserved. While we have historically talked about the different ways that boundaries can be unhealthy, today I want to bring attention to healthy boundaries and what they look like and how they might be set. This is due, in large part, to common misconceptions about what boundaries are and how they are communicated that I have noticed developing traction across different platforms in recent months.
Why boundaries. People have a lot of feelings about boundaries and many times this is connected to a sense of guilt that they might be placing limitations on the access someone has to them, fear around how others may respond, and uncertainty around how to communicate them. The not-so-secret secret is that even if you’re not actively identifying and communicating your boundaries, you’re still impacted by them and you still react and respond in various relationships when your boundaries are violated. For that reason alone, it behooves you to identify and communicate your boundaries in your significant relationships.
Now that you know the why, let’s get to the what. What are healthy boundaries? Boundaries are the way that you show others to have a positive relationship with you. Healthy boundaries allow for the give and take of information and emotional connection with some limitation. While rigid boundaries act as a fortress and don’t allow others to get close to you or you to get close to others, and diffuse boundaries are like an open meadow where all topics and all treatment exist wild and free, healthy boundaries allow information, attention, and care to be given and received. It can be compared to a picket fence. Sturdy, with even spacing in between. They also contain a level of flexibility- how much flows in and out is dependent on the relationship at hand.
Identifying your boundaries can be a bit of a challenge when you haven’t taken the time for self-reflection. A first place to start is to take stock of the times that you’ve felt disrespect or as though your boundaries have been violated. Look at where you thought the line was and where you felt it was crossed. This is a good indicator of where your boundaries are generally speaking. Are there topics that are on or off limits for you? Are there ways that you want your time to be respected? Are there conditions under which you’ll have a positive experience. All of those may inform your boundaries in given situations.
At the beginning of this, we talked about how healthy boundaries have a degree of flexibility to them. How might you determine where that flexibility is warranted or not? I like to tell people that your flexibility is to be earned. The way that that flexibility is earned is through the degree of emotional safety that a relationship provides. For many people, more emotional safety typically equates to a greater degree of flexibility in their boundaries while less emotional safety connects to a lesser degree of flexibility. In most relationships, you still don’t want to bleed out into rigid or diffuse boundaries because there is still a line not to be crossed and there is still an amount of information and care that you want to flow back out.
Boundaries can be challenging before you ever begin to communicate them, but once you’ve identified them you can set them with a smile. Remember, you’re not doing this to punish anyone, you’re doing this to have a positive relationship. You can say “you know, I don’t think I’m comfortable talking about that” which owns your own position. It’s not about the other party, it’s about you and where you feel safe. If boundaries are a challenge for you, click the button below and let’s start the conversation.