Managing Holiday Expectations
The holiday season is upon us and while can be a time of joy and togetherness, it is also a time of year that is so fraught with potential relationship pitfalls. One way that you and your partner (or partners) can make the holiday season feel smoother is to navigate and manage expectations well before the holidays get here. If you haven’t had these conversations yet, no need to worry, you can still have a few conversations that can help to clarify everyone’s expectations and help keep the holidays happy.
First, have an exploratory conversation. This is NOT (and I cannot stress this enough) a conversation around convincing your partner to see things your way. This is NOT a conversation where you need to defend your position. This is NOT a solutions conversation. This is a conversation to establish a baseline. Ensure that you have good setting conditions (has everyone eaten? Are you well rested? Do you have time to have a real conversation?) Start with this one question: How do you each envision your holiday season going? If you’re completely aligned in your responses, congratulations! You can stop here and move into non-relationship focused logistics of planning travel and menus. If you’re not aligned in your vision, keep reading.
If your and your partner’s visions are not in alignment with one another, PAUSE after your exploratory conversation. Remember, that first conversation was not the persuasive conversation. Give yourself some time to really absorb what your partner said. Did they have a good idea? What are your non-negotiables and what fall under something that might be nice to do but could be dropped? Is there any way to blend your ideas? Be honest with yourself. Be open to other ideas. Part of joining a partnership is ultimately deciding that we’re open to sharing and blending our lives with another person.
Set up another conversation with your partner. Again, ensure good setting conditions. You’ll want to have undivided attention, plenty of time, and having eaten and slept well the night before. Talk about your non-negotiables. Help your partner understand why these are important to you. Listen to why theirs are important to them. Be willing to compromise. (ACTUALLY COMPROMISE. Both of you should be giving something up here not just volleying back and forth who gets everything they want).
Come up with a workable plan that you both feel good about. Once this has happened (and ONLY THEN), share this out to your families and any relevant parties. You want to ensure that your holiday vision and goals are something that you and your partner are in agreement on and that can get potentially muddied if you invite other parties into the conversation too soon. If your families live far apart and you’re having to alternate years that you’re spending which holidays with which family, make sure that your family knows that well in advance. If you’ve decided to start building your own traditions and want to start spending the holidays at your own home, make sure that is communicated well in advance as well. If you want to invite your families and loved ones to join you in something new, the more time you give to make that happen, the more likely it is to have people join you. Holidays can be tough and the changing nature of traditions as kids grow up can be tough to navigate. The more notice you can give in a loving way the better off everyone will be.
Finally, follow through. If you’ve made a compromise that follows several years, make sure that you’re both doing everything in your power to hold to that compromise that was made. If something comes up that might throw a wrench in your plan, talk to your partner about it as soon as possible and DON’T commit to anything before that has happened. Protect your new traditions and your ideal holiday. You and your partner have worked hard to be here and you both deserve to see that come to fruition.