What If We Lost Our Spark?
In working with relationships, it’s not uncommon to hear a distressed couple express that they’ve “just lost their spark”. This is usually shared sadly and in a way that conveys that, for the couple, the death of the spark feels like the death of the relationship. It does not have to be this way.
Why do we care about the spark, anyway? The spark is the initial burst of attraction in a relationship. It’s novelty, lust, sex, and interest all in one very volatile package. It’s exciting. Brains LOVE exciting. Brains LOVE novelty. It creates a release of neurotransmitters that feel good. The spark brings people together. The spark does NOT indicate a lasting or healthy connection.
Over time, is the spark actually important? It is and it isn’t. As I said above, brains love novelty and they love exciting. In that way, reigniting the spark over the course of your relationship can be helpful in keeping a couple coming back to one another and maintaining interest. However, research has also found that over the years that love changes. The spark is also known as passionate love. It’s the beginning, again, attraction, and, likely, empty of the other two phases of love which makes the need for the spark to be all consuming at the time even greater. However, there are two other phases of love. Following passionate love, a relationship will ideally shift into intimate love where partners get to know one another more deeply. Trust is also built in intimate love. Eventually then the love, if it continues and intimacy is established, will move into commitment.
What does it all mean? Basically, the spark brings us together, and intimacy and commitment keep us together. So if you feel like you’ve lost your spark…well that’s really normal. The spark is not sustainable for long term relationships- nor is it supposed to be. If you feel you’ve lost your spark, it may be that you haven’t cultivated intimacy or commitment in a way that is more sustaining.
The spark is FUN though! How might you reclaim it? Repackage “spark” into novelty and interest. If you’ve examined intimacy and commitment and find that they are in good places, what ways do you and your partner have fun together? Perhaps you try a new shared hobby or interest. Maybe you shake up your date nights into something new and fun together. Working on a shared vision or toward shared goals may give your brains the stimulation they’re looking for and mimic the spark that brought you together.
The spark is never meant to sustain us. The spark is fun and sexy and exciting which is why it makes for great TV, movies, books, and other stories, but what sustains us is the intimacy we develop and the commitment we make to one another. You can develop those other parts of love and also periodically try new things together to help keep the memory of the spark alive.