The Dating Apps: friend and foe
Once upon a time, the rise of dating apps was seen as the answer to the age old question that single people who wanted to be partnered had of how to meet other single people. They even used an algorithm to help you weed out people who didn’t share interests of your or seemed to not be a match! You could chat before committing to a date! It was glorious. However, in recent years, the bloom has fallen off the rose in a big way. It leaves us with the lingering question: how do you engage with the apps when being on them feels like a hellscape and being off them feels like you’re fated to be single for the rest of your life?
Because dating apps have become so ubiquitous in the world of dating, it’s easy to forget that they are simply one tool in a figurative dating toolbox. You are under no requirement to use them. If you’re struggling with using the apps, it might be because you feel beholden to them. This can be a signal that it’s time to practice your other dating skills and strengthen other tools in your toolbox. This can look like getting more comfortable practicing striking up a conversation with a stranger or asking your friends if they have any qualified leads (aka single friends they think you might like) to introduce you to. Other options include rooting back into your own hobbies. Are there activities that you already like to do? Go do them! You may meet someone who shares your interests by actually engaging in your interests.
The apps are smart. The makers behind them know what they’re doing. They’ve created a system to keep you engaged by making you feel like your soulmate is just one swipe away. Then you get the dopamine hit when you get a match and have a positive first date. You get to build up all the anticipation of what a first date could hold. HOW COULD ANYONE WALK AWAY FROM THAT? It’s a similar mental mechanism as gambling. It’s important to remember that it’s all good marketing and reducing dating to a gamble AND ALSO it’s just as likely that your soulmate could be at the next bar you go to or social group you attend. When you realize that this exists everywhere, it’s much easier to lessen the hold that the apps have on your dating life.
How might you recognize that you need a break from the apps? If you’ve already reached the point where you’re describing the apps as a hellscape or they’ve become just one more thing you have to do each day, then it’s a good sign that you could use some time away. If you’re feeling fatigued and loss of interest, it’s a sign that you may need a break. If you find yourself swiping mindlessly without even actually paying attention to the profiles in front of you, you might need to take a break. All of these indicate that this tool is no longer the most effective tool for you. To take this metaphor further, a hammer can put a screw into a hole, but a screwdriver might work better. The apps may get you a date, but meeting someone organically might work out better. And if it doesn’t you can always get back on the apps.
Ultimately, you get to decide what role to let the apps have in your life. You may really enjoy them and in that case, swipe away! Then the tool is working for you! If you don’t, decide if you need space and how much space you want to take. I want to remind you that you can put yourself on and off the apps (or, delete and redownload the actual app) as frequently as works for you! If that means you take one day off and then get back on, GREAT if you’re feeling reenergized. If that means you take a month off and then check back in, that’s great too! You’re allowed to fit this tool into your dating life in whatever way actually works for you and supports your wellness.
Dating is challenging and while you’re looking for a person that you click with, it can be really frustrating. As you’re looking at all of the tools available to you, it’s okay to pick the tools that feel better, easier, or more accessible to you. That may or may not be the apps, but it certainly doesn’t have to be the apps. If you’re struggling with your engagement on these platforms or in figuring out how to strengthen your other dating tools, click the button below and let’s start a conversation about it.