Love Maps
I’m so thrilled to do a deep dive into the parts of the sound relationship house with you! As noted last week, this concept was developed by John and Julie Gottman and is a really cool way to conceptualize your relationship. Today we get to explore the foundation.
Your foundational floor talks about love maps. “Love maps?” You may be thinking, “What the hell kind of twee thing is a “love map”?” Despite its cutesy name, a love map is the way that you get to know your partner’s inner-most world. You get to explore what makes them tick. You get the opportunity to share and hear their more vulnerable experiences.
Any good relational therapy will tell you that sex is great, but the enduring part of love throughout the lifespan is a deep friendship. Love maps are how you build a deep friendship.
How do you get into this space? What do you even ask?
Well, like everything else we talk about, this is a systemic, relational, thing. What you give off invites what responses you’ll get. Relating that concept to this one, what would you share with your partner that would help them to fully understand you? What is YOUR story? Be willing to be vulnerable. Go to that place with them where they get to see the good, the bad, and the ugly. Then ask them questions about their life. Be genuine. Get deep. Open ended is best, but don’t be afraid to follow up with specific clarifying questions.
I have a few really great resources for this that I like to share with clients. The first comes from the Gottman institute. It’s a free mobile app called “carddecks” and when you open it, there’s an entire section called “love maps” although any of the sections can certainly support the development of your own love map. Just opening it right now, the first five questions it asks you to see if you can answer about your partner are:
1. Who are your partner’s two closest friends?
2. What is your partner’s favorite musical group, composer, or instrument?
3. What are your partner’s hobbies?
4. Where was your partner born?
5. What stresses are facing your partner in the immediate future?
These are great to go through, see what you know, see what you get right, and it’s a great jumping off point for questions if you realize that maybe once upon a time you did know and you did feel solid, but you fell off somewhere along the way. You can always rebuild your love map!
Another excellent resource to get you in the vulnerability mood that helps in the formation of love maps are Arthur Aron’s 36 Questions to foster intimacy which can be found here: https://www.nytimes.com/2015/01/09/style/no-37-big-wedding-or-small.html
These ask similar questions as the card decks and help you to get back into a space of sharing and help you to feel comfortable becoming more probing about your partner’s life.
The biggest thing that I want to stress is that you have to be genuine. Want to know about your partner. Help them feel safe coming to you and sharing with you. Never believe that you are “done” getting to know your partner. You are both always changing and always growing. You may change your mind on some things. You may feel more comfortable sharing more details as time goes one. Give each other the gift of feeling safe to share.