Management of Sex
The final major area of management for couples is management of sex.
This is a huge issue particularly in the US. We are a society based in puritanical values for better or worse and that has translated in how comfortable and open people are able to be in talking about sex. It’s not something that is widely taught as something to be comfortable with and ways to talk about it are limited to ideas around consent (don’t get me wrong, consent is a HUGE deal and so deeply important, and we need to widen that conversation).
What this results in is a lot of people not having the sex that they want and the feelings associated with that bleeding into other areas of their relationship and life.
What do you do with this? How do you fight years of messaging?
First, each partner has some individual work to do. Get in touch with your beliefs around sex. What is it like to talk about it for you? Where did you learn about sex? What messages did you receive? What were your early sexual experiences like? What helps you to feel safe, secure, valued, and cared for? What do you like and enjoy about sex? Anything you don’t like? Have you had any particularly impactful experiences either negative or positive? How have those changed things for you?
Next, introduce the conversation to your partner. With clothes on, create an environment that helps you both feel safe to talk about this. Acknowledge that it’s a vulnerable topic and maybe parts of it are hard to talk about EVEN WITH a partner that you trust and love. This may not be a singular conversation. Expect to revisit this throughout your relationship and maybe have this conversation a number of times before moving on to the next step. You want to know your partner’s internal world when it comes to sex and sexual behavior.
Finally, explore your ideal partnered sex life. This can include ideas around frequency, duration, adventurousness. See where you two align. If there are areas where you don’t totally align, are there ways to compromise?
Once these conversations have been had, start trying things out. See what it feels like to engage in some of the compromises you set up. Take a mental note about what things come up for you as you move through some of these experiments.
Frequently revisit the conversation. Talk about what has come up for you. Do the compromises feel okay? Are there any tweaks that you guys want to make? Was something unexpectedly triggering? Did you find something great that you want to incorporate more? The way to get more comfortable with this is to talk about it more often.
If this is something that continues to be difficult for you either individually or with your partner, give me a call and let’s explore what’s blocking you from being able to have the conversation.