Management of Money

Management of money is the second of the three major management issues that couples face. This is a tough one for so many couples because it positions partners as adversaries. It is not uncommon in a relationship for one partner to be a spender and the other to be a saver when it comes to their finances. Being misaligned in this way is not necessarily a recipe for disaster; it all comes down to the way that you manage expectations around it.

Let’s start with what it means to be a spender or a saver. As the name suggests, a spender is someone who is more comfortable with spending their money on things that they want and need. Spending is not inherently problematic. Being a spender can mean that you readily spend your money on things that flow from your values and you don’t beat yourself up over spending money. Being a spender can turn problematic if you regularly find yourself unable to pay your bills due to excessive spending, running up debt, or having it otherwise impact your life.

Alternatively, a saver is someone who is much more comfortable putting their money away and struggles with feeling okay spending. Like the spender, saving is not inherently problematic. Saving can simply mean that you feel more secure with money in the bank and keep a tight budget to ensure that you can focus your money there rather than on things or experiences. Being a saver can turn problematic if you beat yourself up over necessary purchases, refuse to spend even when it is necessary or would create a larger problem to not spend that money, or live so spartanly that you’re harming yourself (undernourished, unhoused, etc.).

I want to be very clear here that neither is better or worse than the other and neither partner gets to take the moral high ground based on their tendency.

How this can turn partners into adversaries is that each tendency is in direct opposition to the other and, because so many other feelings, beliefs, and attitudes especially around security are wrapped into money, each partner has the potential to feel threatened by their partner’s behavior.

SO what do you do?

First, figure out where each of you stands. Do you tend to save or spend? Be honest with your partner.

Next, talk about what beliefs, attitudes, and values are attached to money for you. This lets your partner into your world and helps make sense of your behavior.

Finally, compromise. This is the toughest part. As a couple, determine how much you’re comfortable with your partner spending without letting you know (especially those of you who have decided to join your finances). Decide what that threshold is to keep you both feeling free to spend your money as you see fit within reason. Determine how much you guys want to put away out of each paycheck for regular savings to protect the need to feel secure. Decide if you want to put away for specific savings goals- this allows the spending to make a decision (do I want to buy this thing or experience or do I want to have that goal?) and the saver to feel safe to look forward and know that money will be available. Have the budget conversation to help both of you make informed decisions. This allows the spender to know what kind of spending will stay within healthy ranges and the saver to know that the spending is not putting them into ruin.

If joint money management is a struggle for you guys and you keep having the same fight over and over again, give me a call. We’ll explore some of those beliefs, attitudes and values that are keeping you in your cycle and move you closer to one another.