Managing Conflict
Alright y’all, we have been moving through the sound relationship house for a few weeks now and so far it has sounded really fun, right? Learning about each other, sharing what you love and appreciate about one another, seeing one another in a positive light, all awesome fun things that you make you feel good in the process.
This week’s level is a little bit different. This week, we’re moving up to the floor where you manage your conflict. This can be rough for a lot of people because even thinking about the work “conflict” brings up a ton of emotions for people. This is not something many of us are readily taught and maybe you’ve had a lot of missteps around conflict in the past. Maybe this seems really scary to look at. (I can see my conflict avoiders in the back saying that they have already reached the top of their house, they don’t need any more floors! Haha) I promise you, when this is done well and effectively, it can feel just as good as your previous floors. I will also tell you, that all of the feelings that come with conflict management highlight the need for your previous floors to be rock solid.
Conflict management, according to the Sound Relationship House Theory, requires three sub-steps.
The first of these is accepting influence from your partner. Oof, for some of us this is SUCH a hard thing. In all other aspects we love and respect our partners- except when we think they’re wrong. Then we have to WIN. Well, in a relationship or in a marriage, when one of you is winning, you’re both losing. It’s imperative that you remember that you’re on the same team. Your partner is not your adversary. They’re your teammate. As on any team, you have to let people shine and have a space and a role. You guys have to define that TOGETHER. (For my competitive people out there, I see you, I hear you, I have BEEN you, and you may have to set aside that competitive nature or at least transform it. Your partner is not the adversary, the issue is the adversary. You have to work with them to vanquish it or you both perish).
To get into a space where you can accept influence, first we have to deescalate the situation. If you’re working with me, we’ll spend a great deal of time exploring your habitual ways of responding to tension and shifting that cycle. Do you run toward it or do you build walls? What motivates that? How can this work for you? Do you know what your physiological cues are when you’re starting to feel dysregulated or emotionally flooded? What works well as a disrupter for you?
Once the situation is a little less hot, we can move into the second sub-step: Dialoguing about problems. Dialoguing does not necessarily imply action or solving. It’s discussion. It’s exploration. What is important about this for each of you? Many problems in marriages are perpetual. Meaning there’s not a solve except to take the heat out of it and change the way it is talked about and allow each of you to gain understanding. Match statements with curiosity. Wonder about your partner.
From here we can go into the third sub-step which is practicing self-soothing. Remember in step one when we talked about deescalating the situation? Sometimes we can deescalate. Sometimes we do but we turn left in our dialogue and suddenly our emotional arousal is off the charts and we’re totally flooded (and things are subsequently coming out from total emotion and are no longer helpful). It’s YOUR responsibility to bring your physiology back down to a baseline level. Have a signal for when you’re noticing the flooding (whether you notice it in yourself or your partner). This will call for a pause and give each of you the opportunity to practice breathing, moving your body, journaling, or otherwise relaxing. Working with me, we’ll again connect this with your interactional cycle and see what works best for you. And then come together again once you’re both soothed and try step 2 again.
When you’ve mastered this-especially being able to soothe and deescalate, your conflict management totally transforms. It doesn’t have to go into unhealthy territory! Your don’t have to hate your partner! It can change the tone of the arguments and open the door for more connection, more understanding, and more intimacy.
If you struggle with this, don’t be afraid to bring in me or any other professional to help you walk through it and tackle the roadblocks.