Managing Time

Previously, we talked about the importance of expectation management in romantic relationships. What we didn’t talk about was the various places that this is more likely to show up.

I once had a colleague suggest that all couples’ issues can be boiled down to management of three areas: time, money, and sex. Now, I feel like that may be an oversimplified distillation of issues, but for our purposes today, let’s go down this road.

Today we’re going to dig into management (and managing expectations) of time.

What does management of time mean? It’s not quite so simple as organizing your time the way that it would be when we talk about in the context of an individual. Management of time in a relationship often contrasts the expectations that one or both partners hold about what time will be spent in and out of the relationship with the reality that occurs.

Much of this comes back down to values around time and ways that you express your values to your partner and the way that you explore your shared values.

You guys need to decide as partners how much time you want together just the two of you,  how much time you require alone, what proportion of time makes sense for you guys with family (both together and apart) and what proportion of time works for you both together and apart with friends. Sometimes one partner will have a different need in one area than the other partner. This is a great space for compromise and sussing out what you both need for that time to feel good.

Maybe one partner needs more time on their own to recharge and feel ready to be with people again (including their partner) and their partner feels self-conscious or insecure that their partner does not want to spend that time with them. The conversation may become how they can put a focus on the time that they are spending together so that the insecure partner has something to look forward to and is getting nurtured and reassured so that the time the other partner spends alone does not hold as much weight.

Maybe, one partner values a lot of time with friends and the other values a lot of time with family. Maybe there is a compromise there where each partner can spend that time with their respective friends/family but don’t expect or require that their partner be there every time.

Perhaps you both value having a lot of time together and feel that your time has been whittled away by work, family obligations, and plans with friends. Maybe the conversation becomes what amount of time you want focused attention and time with one another, how you can be planful around that time, and how you can set boundaries in other areas of your life to protect that time.

One of the important things in expressing these things to your partner and in working this out with your partner is to remember that your partner is not the enemy. They are not trying to stop you from doing what you want to do. Pay attention to the bids for connection. Work to keep this being a collaborative conversation. Create good setting conditions in which you can have this conversation with the highest level of emotional safety: make sure you have privacy, start slow, avoid “always” and “never”, encourage your partner in their pursuits, be honest about your vulnerable feelings.

If management of time is something you and your partner struggle with, click the button below and let’s continue this conversation. We’ll work out your values as partners and as a couple, identify what helps you feel safe to share, and develop a plan that supports these.