Non Sexual Intimacy

Often times when people want to talk about sex in the therapy room, I hear it being talked about under the guise of “intimacy”. That has me thinking, why do we seem to immediately, and sometimes only, categorize sex as intimacy? What about nonsexual intimacy? We have a plethora of relationships that we engage in throughout our lives, surely SOME of them are considered intimate. And hopefully not all of that intimacy is purely sexual in nature even with ones sexual partners.

I can see you all nodding along in agreement, so let’s dig in, shall we?

What is intimacy?

Intimacy is defined as “close familiarity or friendship; closeness”. It’s also used to describe a “private and cozy atmosphere”.

This is great! I feel like this gives a great jumping off point to explore how to cultivate nonsexual intimacy. How can we identify it?

Intimacy is any of your relationships is that feeling of being truly known. It is the ability to be vulnerable. (which is probably why sex gets wrapped up into this because sex is an intimate act and involves a lot of potential vulnerability). It is freedom to show up as yourself and have that be accepted. It is trusting that you and your hopes, dreams, thoughts, fears, and insecurities are safe with those around you.

Why does this matter?

Romantic love and sex get a lot of attention in the world and it’s sometimes hard to remember that there is connection outside of those relationships. The other relationships in your life are not a placeholder until your romantic partner arrives. Even those who are partnered cannot be everything to their partner. It’s important for all of us to recognize the intimacies that we can create in all of our relationships and recognize the value that those give us.

Given the acknowledgement of the importance of nonsexual intimacy, how can we cultivate it?

Well, remember that you can only control you in this so cultivation of intimacy is going to be about creating an environment from yourself that invites connection. This can look like a lot of things but here are some options:

1.       Adopting a stance of non-judgement.

2.       Being vulnerable and sharing vulnerable feelings.

3.       Encouraging the hopes, dreams, and passions of your loved ones.

4.       Listening for understanding rather than response.

5.       Taking a genuine interest in others.

All of these, will help foster intimacy in your relationships. It invites others to join you in this space.

Now, what about in the context of a romantic relationship? This is still important. Sex is great and sex is important, and you still want your intimacy to have some diversity. Using the above list, you can develop a deep friendship and connection.

Do you struggle with fostering intimacy in your relationships? Do you find your friendships and relationships seem to stay on the surface? Consult a professional. You deserve connection. You deserve to feel understood. If you’re in New York, feel free to get in touch with me. Click the button below and let’s start the conversation.